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Monday, May 2, 2011

Hope

A terrible weekend of tip toeing around our daughters emotions, leaves us both worn and stressed out. Today is a new day though, so we will put on our happy faces and move on. But it will be tough to pretend. Mark had insomnia over work stress and was at his office all night. He left our bed around 1AM and I felt the lack of his presence and woke also, never really falling back asleep either. I kept thinking he must be on the computer, something he will do if sleep is eluding him. When I finally went to look, he was gone. For a split second I actually thought, "he has left us, the stress was just too much and he is gone." I can't deny I too have thought about leaving, I've dreamt about running away to California and not looking back. There have been times that I have even worried about one of us taking our own lives. To someone on the outside, I'm sure you will be appalled at this. I am being honest though. That is how much days that turn into weeks or even into months of living with a daughter with severe mental illness can knock a person down. There is a "normal tough" in our lives, something of a "standard tough" and then there are the times it is ramped up and "super tough!" The combination of sleep deprivation and terrible behavior over a long period of time will make life overwhelming. Those times may only be days or they may become weeks or even months. When the "super tough" times are never ending there is a desperation that occurs inside of us. Right now I am ok, the morning went well and I have hope again. I find if I have hopeful moments, I survive the rest. When the behavior is relentless, I start to dream about life far away. I have joked with Mark that if he ever finds me gone, just let me go, move on and don't look back. He and I laugh about such things, as crying often serves no purpose in the most difficult times. It is the oneness we feel and the laughter over the ridiculous that really gets us through. When we joke about leaving, Mark and I know we will never do it. We love our family much too much. I do find though, to voice your most horrid thoughts without judgement and with understanding is really all any of us needs.

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