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Saturday, May 14, 2011

Quiet

Wow, it is so strange to sit in the quiet, enjoying a cup of coffee. My home is almost always a bundle of energy. I am often called upon to be "on." Teale wakes with the same energy she has throughout the day, it is always in high gear. It is like her body doesn't know how to relax and her mind doesn't ever rest . Teale bombards us with questions from the moment she wakes up. She is trying to figure out the world she lives in and her role in it. The first question is usually "No school today?" That is how she words her sentence, it is a question, but in her head it is also a statement, she hopes your answer will be no. Some mornings saying, "Yes Teale, there is school today." Throws her into a rage, yelling "No school today!" at you, hoping her anger changes the response. We walk carefully with every answer we give her to every question she asks. One day recently Mark was still half asleep when Teale was throwing question after question at him and he answered sleepily with a "yes." I looked at him shocked and said, "Do you realize what you just agreed to?" He thought she had said something different, but now there was no turning back. Mark had agreed to taking Teale for a ride in the car so she could listen to her CD's. It was very early & he was barely awake. Such is our life, listen carefully, even when you are still trying to process the morning or get something done or just be in yourself. All parents do it, answer a kid without really listening, but in our house that is very dangerous. You may agree to buying her a cell phone or that it IS her Birthday tomorrow, when her Birthday is  six months away. That is why mornings like this are so precious, it is quiet, I won't have to be on as soon as Teale opens her eyes. She is not here because she went to overnight respite, a program the state runs to give families like ours a break from the everyday care of a special, high maintenance kid. It gives us energy to continue caring for her, it gives our other children a chance to have us again. We all get a little down time from the questions and the rages that can happen because she doesn't like our answers. Today I will do what I please in my house, I will not be controlled by Teale's needs or wants. To some this may sound strange, but to those who live similarly, I know you understand. This time alone as a family of four instead of five is not all happy. It comes with a price, there is a slight fear that we have giving Teale up to the care of others. There is the guilt that we need this. There is the uncertainty that she is safe. It is not perfect. As I sit here with my home silent and a cup of coffee, at least for now, I can feel that I am trying to do what is best for myself and our family. Peace everyone...

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