Potato Salad

 Sometimes, out of the blue, I especially miss my Mom. So I make her potato salad, with lots of dill and red onion. Two of her favorite flavors, in one dish. 

My memories are clouded, some good and some not. She was flawed, but we all are, and her flaws built much of my strength. So instead of holding onto what I didn’t like, I try to remember the good. 

The way she believed in girls and women is probably the biggest lesson I learned. My Mom never thought a man had to save you, but a good one, could enhance your life. She was proud of the partnership I had. Sadly, she died, before she could see how truly exceptional, he became as a father and a husband. 

She believed in the Girl Scouts, the mission and it’s lessons. She believed in the earth and that gardens of beauty were worthwhile. She loved babies and the promise they provided. She taught us to see people and care for all. The urban programs she started were to bring better unity of races and cultural divides. She believed someday the divisions of races would fade. 

Campfires remind me of her. The smell in my hair after being near one can transport me to childhood. Beechwood was one of my most favorite places to go. It was a Girl Scout Camp in Sodus, NY. The rangers name comes to me, out of the dark recesses of my memories. Skippy, but I can’t be sure I am actually correct? I hate not having her to call and ask...  My Mom’s GS camp nickname was Rusty. She got it because her hair was the color of rust. 

My Birthday coming, or the death of yet another friend’s parent. My Mom has lingered in my mind much, over the last few days. 

The story I was told, was that I was almost born, on a camping trip. Even though she was due soon and I was the last of five, she still went Memorial Day weekend camping. Her Girl Scout troop was counting on her or maybe she just wanted to enjoy a weekend in the woods? Either way, she was correct, it was fine and I wouldn’t come until Thursday, June 1. Maybe that’s why I love a good campfire and the smell of it lingering in my hair this morning. Miss you Mom... 

Congratulations My Friends

I find the grief still comes, at unsuspecting times, for reasons I wish I could ignore. 

Four years ago this June, Teale should have graduated her typical high school. I knew that time would be tough for me. I knew I would need to process my pain, to let it go. 

This year, those same kids that Teale knew, when in an inclusion setting, graduate again. The pain is different this time around. Maybe I understand and become more used to the losses?  

College graduations into adulthood, careers, relationships, Weddings, babies, it’s all bound to make me pause. I am bound to wonder and grieve the “what if’s,” but I also celebrate the relationships we are lucky to have.  

The life Teale lives, although not typical, is hers. She doesn’t really know it any differently. Mark and I do, we are the ones who pine for “normal.” We are the ones who feel the sting, as we watch the “kids,” who are her age, growing in every way. 

Stopping to feel this pain, to share my feelings and acknowledge it, helps me to move past it. I know I can’t push it down and expect it to all to disappear. 

I’ve learned much from Teale. I’ve learned much because of Teale. I’ve learned much in spite of Teale. 

It’s different, when you experience an emotion, that no matter how hard you try, you can not rationalize or push away. I have found if I verbalize my pain to Mark, it’s easier to release it. Mark understands, we share many of the same pains and joys, how bittersweet that is. 

On Facebook, I am friends with many of the typical family’s from Teale’s inclusion days. Please, don’t get this wrong, I am happy for those peers. I am thrilled for  those who are graduating college. I appreciate seeing all their achievements. 

The separation between my being happy and my pain, are difficult to put into words. I enjoy seeing the joy and celebration of the families. I love seeing these “kids,” who obviously meant something to my daughter and to my family, succeeding. So, please don’t cut me out of sharing those milestones. That would hurt far more. I don’t want my friends to walk on eggshells, scared, somehow they will cause me pain. 

Life is a series of events. Memories are built and love is shared between people. Grief creeps into these special times and then it fades. It fades because my love for all of you is stronger than my feelings of loss. 

Time doesn’t heal all things, but it has helped me with acceptance. Time has helped me to know, I’m allowed to feel, whatever it is, I feel. 

So as May continues, and college graduations are photographed and shared. Please remember, I applaud all you have sacrificed and all your loved ones have achieved. 

My losses will never diminish your achievements. I may need time to process how I feel in certain situations. I may need to talk out my pain, so I can fully appreciate the joys. I will always get there though, because achievements look different for everyone. Teale’s life has touched and taught many, maybe that is her equivalence of a college degree.