Mark would tell me about the rage slowly, over several hours and several days. Details would hit him differently, and at moments, he didn’t expect. The kind people who would offer care and support would suddenly come to mind. There were many, friends and strangers offering to buy Teale something, I’m sure they felt paralyzed and hoped that could help. The pharmacy technician who sat with Teale and the other staff who checked in. Mark saw one woman from a far, making Mark tear up as he shared the story, she is a kind, gentle soul. Teale loved seeing her weekly. She didn’t come close, but caught Mark’s eye. I’m not sure if he was heartbroken for her, himself, or for Teale. Seeing Teale at her worst, can change a person’s perspective of her. It’s scary and sad. You worry if she’s ruined relationships when others see it. We know, she’s just in a bad moment. We know she’ll come back to us and eventually her joy will too. He tells me of the fear of having people walk by her, without concern for their own safety, and the police officer that came. I am thankful it was Mark and not me, with her. I know I would have had trouble sharing the right information, in a stressful situation, with a police officer. With Mark’s size and demeanor, plus his being a man, I’ve seen plenty of people give him more respect, than they give to me, when it comes to Teale’s rages. I’m smaller than her, and admittedly I suffer from PTSD when these rages kick in. I’m stoic on the outside, but inside, I’m terrified. My fear of a police officer getting involved, may have literally paralyzed me. I may have struggled to ask him to stay back and out of the situation. Teale can’t be reasoned with in a rage. It must just run the course. Our reactions to her, are very flat, we stay calm and stoic because we’ve learned this is the best and fastest way to “get her back.” Talking to her, reasoning, threatening, scolding, none of that work in the moment. To an outsider, it most likely looks like we are giving in, letting her get her way and act this way. Our skin is tough and for the most part, we try to not care what anyone thinks. It’s not an easy situation to be in. Our hearts are truly breaking when we see Teale in a rage, out of control and unable to calm. But, we’ve learned, we must just wait her out. I pray my way through, I’m pretty sure Mark does too. I also keep reminding myself this is not who she is and that none of it is her fault. Doctors messed up at her birth, she was breach, sat in meconium, had no pulse for 8 minutes when born and suffered severe brain damage. Her mood disorders are a direct result. Mark and I both believe she may have chosen this path, her soul came to us to teach. We have contradicting feelings on her birth. We know the doctors could have done an emergency cesarean section operation and she may have had a “normal life” and we believe her soul chose this journey for all of us. I believe in an afterlife, I believe in a God and I believe someday, I will know the truth to all this. It sustains me in the tough moments to not lash out at her, to stay calm, knowing it is not her fault and that God trusted me to love and care for her. I’m not perfect, I’ve lost it in moments of her mental breaks. Staying calm and not lashing out, is what helps my soul, the most. It gives me peace to know I’m loving her, through these most difficult moments. I process it all slowly, through writing and talking, after a rage has happened. Mark tends to go into himself, he will talk when asked but, he may not offer information, without encouragement.
After this rage, we knew we needed help. We both knew it was a turning point in our lives and unless we changed the course, it was going to continue to get worse.
