In the Spring of 2022, as we waited to get in with the new psychiatrist, our life spiraled. Teale’s moods were so unpredictable, that every aspect of our days were controlled by her. I was fearful of the explosive behavior, scared that by myself, I wouldn’t be able to stay safe. Teale’s weight had increased much also as the doctors added more medications, to try and stabilize her moods. She was so much bigger than I and, in a rage, ruthless. The PTSD was wrecking me, every time I heard a change in her voice, or saw it in her expressions, fear rose in me. I lived in constant uncertainty. On top of that, Mark was in a tough career at that time. He was trying to keep his head above water at work, while we were drowning at home. His job was always stressful, but had turned toxic, with a new regional manager being appointed. His office was struggling, most of the employees felt unappreciated, overwhelmed and deeply unhappy. The shift from a difficult job, to the feelings of complete despair, was felt throughout the office. Covid had been difficult and the hope that the new regional manager would help the office rise up, soon faded. As time passed, it became obvious that she would not help the office heal, but would create such division, frustration and fear, that many would leave. The cycle of employees leaving, meant overextended workers would never “catch up.” The ones that stayed, just got more to do, hiring replacements was tedious, and training them was slow. New hires quit often, with no ties to the job, they felt how unhealthy the work environment was, and left. Mark was in such an awful place, trying to lift me and help our family survive, while his work life just got worse. The increase of Teale’s explosive behavior was brutal at home. I was thoroughly exhausted mentally and physically. I was getting up with Teale, all hours of the night, her sleep sporadic, her mood manic. It all seemed hopeless and endless, making me question God and why our family was put through so much pain. Mark and my love was strong, but, without hope, I wasn’t sure if any of us would survive this. I knew I was struggling mentally, I knew my mental health was in danger of going so low, it might be tough to get me back. I had very little joy, and although I pretended to keep my head up, inside, it all hurt deeply.
My Birthday would be the hope we needed. A girlfriend owned a house on a local lake that her family rented out for extra income. She hadn’t rented it out for a few days around my Birthday and offered it to Mark and I as a gift. The timing and the location perfect, it was close to Teale’s program, so we could drive her and have the days free. I’ve always had a tough time with the five years and this one was a big one. I was turning 55. At the lake, I could invite friends and and family to celebrate with me. We needed this break from our normal life. It wasn’t easy to plan and do it, but, in the end, this gift would change Teale’s sleep pattern, for the better. Suddenly, at the lake, she was sleeping all night. I had seen this before, an occasional trip, could trigger an interruption in bad habits at home. I had been questioning if Teale’s obsession with her iPad, was the cause of the sporadic sleep schedule? Sadly, deep fear, had paralyzed me from making a move forward on this. At this time in our life, we met weekly with Teale’s PCP and a psychologist, in her PCP office. To say they were worried about Mark and my mental health while dealing with Teale’s mental break, would be a gross understatement. Video conferencing weekly, to discuss Teale, had become a lifeline. We even had a meeting set up from the lake house. I shared my theory, that Teale was sleeping, because we had not brought her iPad with us. This theory had always been in the back of my mind on vacations where she slept in. Maybe, her getting up was because she wanted to get on her iPad? The problem was, I had no idea how to change this at home. I couldn’t image the rages, the bullying she would use to get her way at home, if, we somehow limited her iPad in the morning? The discussion was insightful with her doctors and with Mark. Mark had never seen the connection between us not bringing her iPad on vacations and Teale sleeping differently. Talking out that we had broken the cycle on this short trip, (because we didn’t have her iPad and she had slept all night) helped us to brainstorm a plan for home. After finishing the video chat with the doctors, Mark and I would talk incessantly. We would weigh the pros and cons, the risks and the advantages, if only we could develop a way, to stop this vicious cycle. Because I was the one that would get up with her, my fear was higher. If we took away the iPad and told her she couldn’t have it in the middle of the night, the rages could be very violent and dangerous. Her screaming or hurting me would make me want to give it to her, and then where would we be? If we were to do this, we would need to stick to it, not give in to her, no matter what. I knew this was our chance. Mark saw the benefits, I previously had had a tough time explaining it all to him. The lake house trip had changed her sleep cycle back to a normal, healthy schedule. Plus, I felt a million times better, because I was getting a normal night’s sleep too. I was able to stay up in the evenings with Mark, regaining some balance in my life. Teale went to bed early, and instead of me also going to bed exhausted, I was staying up with Mark. This special time together, had been a huge loss. For over a year and a half, Teale’s sleep schedule had been so messed up, I barely saw Mark after work. We ate dinner and then, both Teale and I, went to bed. Neither of us were able to stay awake in the evenings. I was missing my husband, but, to help us all, it had to be me that got up with Teale. Mark had to go to work, to care for us, financially. We couldn’t afford him not getting sleep.
When we got home from the lake, on the very first night, Mark decided he was going to take the leap. We had thought out a plan to hide the iPad, and explain to Teale that she would not be allowed to use it before her program. It was terrifying, especially the first night. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get her to go back to bed and not attack me. It was the middle of the night and she thought she could just go on her iPad but I had to stick to the plan. There was no going back now…
I would love to report that it was easy, but it wasn’t. There were violent and scary nights, when she woke up and demanded her iPad. I was determined to stick to it, and after maybe just a week or so, we saw improvements. She started sleeping a normal schedule. She knew that we weren’t going to give her the iPad, if she woke up at 2 o’clock in the morning and there was really nothing to do, but go back to bed. There were kinks to work out. We had to figure out what the carrot was going to be on the weekends. No iPad until after the family grocery shopping was done on Saturday. No iPad, until after we went to church on Sunday. I was so proud of us. We had done it, together. The doctors had been no help. They just threw more medication at us, to try and get her to sleep longer. The medications had been a problem, many times they would snow her the next day. Her sleep wasn’t better on medication, and she was even more crabby.
Mark and I had been strong throughout the process of not allowing Teale her iPad. It was very satisfying, seeing the changes helping to return her schedule to a normal one. Almost 2 years later, and we continue to use this system. Sometimes we have exceptions, but because she is used to the schedule as is, it doesn’t seem to throw her back into the old habits.
One year and a half, of waking up as early as 1:00 AM, just so Teale could go on her iPad. It was such an unhealthy, stressful time. I am forever, grateful for my girlfriend, who gave us the break at the lake house, that ultimately changed everything.
