Empathy

 I didn’t know much about all the things we have encountered, before becoming Teale’s parent’s. 

The diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy was “just” the beginning… When the behaviors started, that’s when our lives and we, were really changed. 

No matter how much I know, that her rages are not a product of our parenting, the judgement from others, who don’t walk this road, hurts my heart. 

Rages are a product of multiple things, combined or separate; brain damage, mood disorder, mental illness, Intellectual Disability, exhaustion, or physical pain, are only a few. 

On December 11th, Mark posted on Facebook about a spectacular rage. (post is below) …In the comments on that post, there was a great deal of empathy. I believe the more that people learn, through sharing of these stories, the more they come to realize there are no simple solutions.  

But I also realized there will always be people who just don’t want to have to witness Teale’s suffering and what we live on a regular basis. I’m sure there are some who wish we would keep her shut away, so they don’t have to sit in their uncomfortableness of seeing Teale unregulated. 

Unfortunately, I still can’t put my thoughts about this,  into words, that speak of what my heart feels, but I’ll try. I’ve had, for lack of a better word, an “awakening,” on this. It wasn’t like a switch, it was more like a slow burn…..

Here goes it;

Witnessing Teale’s suffering via a rage, truly sitting in how uncomfortable it makes each of us feel. In those terrible moments, what is she teaching us about ourselves and about others? Do you believe she has every right to feel and express herself or do you wish to not watch? Sitting in that, and honestly, exploring our feelings, gives us a chance at a true, deep and sincere love of all people. It is uncomfortable, but Teale has worth. Her worth in our life is what makes Mark and I persevere. That doesn’t make us super heroes, it just means she has taught us, probably one of the most important lessons in life; empathy.  

Mark’s Facebook Post ~ 

Life is funny. I had a very memorable experience at Wegmans today with Teale that will not soon be forgotten. She is legally blind and deaf, has epilepsy, cerebral palsy, GI issues and an IQ a hair over 50, but by far, the most difficult thing about her is her behaviors. If I could change one thing, it would be to stop the rages. 

Some of you know that Teale and I have been shopping at Wegmans on Saturday mornings for at least 15 years. It's one of our special together times. When we walk in, we're greeted in a similar way to Norm walking into Cheers. Teale looks forward to seeing her friends. 

But this morning, somewhere about the dairy section at the back of the store, I sensed something was wrong. After a couple of minutes of trying to figure her mood out, I decided it was best to check out and head home. 

A nice guy who had arrived at one of wide lanes before me smiled and said "go ahead". I was grateful. There was a woman pretty close to finishing up ahead of us in line. I knew Teale was off, but I really thought she was going to be able to pull through. Boy was I wrong. 

She always likes to put the groceries on the conveyor belt. I often jokingly refer to her as "my assistant" during checkout. Today, she put 2 half-gallons of ice cream on the belt, then as I was standing about 4 feet away, she picked up a half-gallon of almond milk, lifted it high above her head, and slammed it down onto the belt. It exploded all over the place, including on the woman in front of us, and her groceries. 

I'm going to condense the next 30 minutes, but it was incredible. Teale went into a huge rage. She started trying to throw our groceries, and tried to tip over our cart. When I went to stop her, she hit me, and bit me. After a minute or so of struggling, she eventually threw herself on the ground, screaming at the top of her lungs and biting herself. 

You know, we're alright, but as I sit here 8 hours later, I'm not sure I'll ever want to take Teale back there. I wanted to say that the Wegmans staff, the police officer who showed up to help, a couple of strangers who offered to buy Teale a milk and our groceries, were wonderful and very understanding. 

One of our dear neighbors, Teale's auntie, and several of Teale's "Wegmans friends" came over to help. Special thanks to Janice for calling Ellie, and to one of Teale's friends who works in the pharmacy named Jen. Jen probably spent about 20 minutes with us. Jen is wonderful; I mean there were dozens and dozens of people watching us, watching Teale scream, yell, hit, and Jen just stood and offered support, and eventually got down on the floor next to Teale. I told her that I couldn't promise that Teale wouldn't hit her, and she didn't flinch. Jen walked with us to the door. 

When we got outside, Ellie had arrived. Teale jumped in her car and I turned to talk to the police officer and the Wegmans managers. They had my groceries. I said, kind of awkwardly, "well, I'm, of course, sorry guys. I'll go in a pay for the groceries." Well, the manager said, "I talked to Dan, (he's the store manager, very nice guy) and he said you're all set." When I got home and told Ellie she said "wish you had an expensive rib roast in the cart". A little gallows humor. 

It was a pretty traumatic experience, but I did want to tell the story as so many people came to our aid and were understanding of our situation. There's a lot of good people in the world.