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Saturday, April 30, 2011

Jealous of "Normal Lives"

Some days I am completely jealous of normal lives. You probably know what I mean, but to clarify; I mean those families who have kids who sleep through the night most of the time after infancy,  I mean those families with kids who only occasionally lose control, not daily or often multiple times daily.
The unpredictable sure can get to me if it's been happening too much. Today our jumping through hoops seemed endless. This post is completely contrary to "the grass isn't greener," I posted just days ago. I am human though, so today I am feeling fickle and jealous! Today I want your life, well not really, because some of you who read this, I'm sure live more challenging lives than mine. I just hate, hate, hate mental illness today! It started yesterday, early. Teale woke at 4:30 AM and refused to go back to bed. Then getting her ready for school was one challenge after another. She didn't want to get dressed. She then wouldn't take her several pills and threw them across the floor on me. I found most of them, replaced what I couldn't find and shoved them in her mouth. She then spit them at me, fun hu? After that my threat was "take the pills or wear the water," it worked. It worked because I have followed through in the past and she knows I will. Mean, maybe even abusive to some of you, but at least 2 times a day Teale has to take 10 plus pills and often it is not easy. She NEEDS the medicine, she is diagnosed with bi polar disease, has gastric reflux, terrible constipation and a huge seizure disorder to start with. She has to have medication to keep all these things in control, so no matter what, we will get the pills in her. Anyway the morning progressed with getting her shoe and fracture boot on. She broke her good leg a few weeks ago, too long a story, but you do need to know she is in a fracture boot right now. I then walked away to get dressed myself so I could take her out to the bus. I stop midway down the hall to my room, zip, zip of the velcro on the boot echos through the house and her screaming "I'm not going to school today!" I think quickly about this, knowing I need her to go to school, I need the break! So I offer a trip to the grocery store, after she gets home from school, only if she goes to school! She thinks about it and says "Only one school today, then home?" I answer yes and the deal is sealed. I give up on getting dressed and throw a coat over my PJ's, heck the bus driver has seen me in PJ's before! Teale gets on the bus and is off. What will the other end of the day be, when will I fit in the promised trip to the grocery store? Mark wasn't going to be home at night, so I would have to do "it all" by myself. I would cook dinner, clean up, go to the store and then get them ready for bed after being up since 4:30AM, this seemed daunting, but single parents do it, right? It basically went fine, so I won't complain. Anyway yesterday morning was tough, but today was worse. She had a fit in Wegmans that was so rapid and escalated so fast that my husband left his shopping cart filled with groceries and luckily got out quickly with Teale. I went back to the store and they had saved our cart so I didn't have to start all over. I finish getting what was needed and then go home to a fried husband. Mark was exhausted from the emotional stress. Teale has another fit over some misunderstanding just an hour or so later, screaming, threatening, we somehow get through that one too. At this point we knew she was acting too unpredictable to do anything even slightly risky. We cancelled plans to go see my nephew play his last college lacrosse game an hour away and we stay close to home. Teale wasn't done, one more emotional roller coaster ride would be taken, we try to reason and work through it but have to use an emergency medication. Also I offer a drive to calm her. She listened to the same cd over and over again as we drive aimlessly and I think about the wasted time and gas. I then missed a surprise Birthday party because it was obvious that today my life was all about my daughter. Today all we could accomplish was trying to keep her safe and as happy as possible. I missed the game, I missed the party, basically I feel like I missed the beautiful sunny day. That is why right now, in this moment, I wish I had a "Normal Life!"


  1. In exactly the same yet a little different, lol, this is our lives. I get it.

  2. Knowing there are people like me and people who care gets me through Amy! Thanks Jan. Tomorrow will be better!