I find the grief still comes, at unsuspecting times, for reasons I wish I could ignore.
Four years ago this June, Teale should have graduated her typical high school. I knew that time would be tough for me. I knew I would need to process my pain, to let it go.
This year, those same kids that Teale knew, when in an inclusion setting, graduate again. The pain is different this time around. Maybe I understand and become more used to the losses?
College graduations into adulthood, careers, relationships, Weddings, babies, it’s all bound to make me pause. I am bound to wonder and grieve the “what if’s,” but I also celebrate the relationships we are lucky to have.
The life Teale lives, although not typical, is hers. She doesn’t really know it any differently. Mark and I do, we are the ones who pine for “normal.” We are the ones who feel the sting, as we watch the “kids,” who are her age, growing in every way.
Stopping to feel this pain, to share my feelings and acknowledge it, helps me to move past it. I know I can’t push it down and expect it to all to disappear.
I’ve learned much from Teale. I’ve learned much because of Teale. I’ve learned much in spite of Teale.
It’s different, when you experience an emotion, that no matter how hard you try, you can not rationalize or push away. I have found if I verbalize my pain to Mark, it’s easier to release it. Mark understands, we share many of the same pains and joys, how bittersweet that is.
On Facebook, I am friends with many of the typical family’s from Teale’s inclusion days. Please, don’t get this wrong, I am happy for those peers. I am thrilled for those who are graduating college. I appreciate seeing all their achievements.
The separation between my being happy and my pain, are difficult to put into words. I enjoy seeing the joy and celebration of the families. I love seeing these “kids,” who obviously meant something to my daughter and to my family, succeeding. So, please don’t cut me out of sharing those milestones. That would hurt far more. I don’t want my friends to walk on eggshells, scared, somehow they will cause me pain.
Life is a series of events. Memories are built and love is shared between people. Grief creeps into these special times and then it fades. It fades because my love for all of you is stronger than my feelings of loss.
Time doesn’t heal all things, but it has helped me with acceptance. Time has helped me to know, I’m allowed to feel, whatever it is, I feel.
So as May continues, and college graduations are photographed and shared. Please remember, I applaud all you have sacrificed and all your loved ones have achieved.
My losses will never diminish your achievements. I may need time to process how I feel in certain situations. I may need to talk out my pain, so I can fully appreciate the joys. I will always get there though, because achievements look different for everyone. Teale’s life has touched and taught many, maybe that is her equivalence of a college degree.
