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Thursday, May 5, 2011

Where is God in all this?

When I'm in a good place I feel God. When I'm in a bad place, I feel God. Some days it is stronger, some days it is less. I know in one of my most difficult times, I felt God's presence the most. Teale was in the NICU after her very difficult birth for two months. During that time God was surrounding us. I felt his love constantly and have never quite gotten that same intensity back since or before. Mark would often, if not every night say a prayer out loud for our tiny baby right before he & I tried to drift off to sleep. Sleep was tough, leaving your child in the care of others is a huge lesson in letting go of control. I would toss and turn, get up to pump, so I could keep my milk supply going and I read veraciously. It's amazing the amount of books I read during that pregnancy and while Teale was in NICU. Sometimes I can't remember if I already read a book until I'm deep into it. I read to escape, the pain was so great, the uncertainty about her future so scary. I turned to God a lot to get through, I prayed often, I just talked to Him like he was my best friend. At some point after Teale came home I remember feeling like there were spirits in her room at night looking after her. As she aged I would hear her giggle by herself in her bedroom. I had such peace, knowing she was loved, not only by me but by God. I am still very strong in my faith. I'm not the type to push my beliefs on others, I am just quietly spiritual in my own way. But what I have found is that many of my good friends who have children with special needs are not. Many of my friends really struggle with "why would a loving God do this to a child?" I can't deny there are times I am right there with them. I also know there are times all I'm looking for is that amazing closeness I felt when God lived with me constantly. I often miss the quiet prayers by my strong, sweet husband as I fall asleep in his arms. I say one to myself nightly and my guess is he does too. Somehow I want to get back that feeling that God is truly part of our family, I know I can, I just have to work at it. So as you go through anything bad, remember to look for the good. It's easy if you keep your eyes and your heart wide open.

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