32

 8/12/89-8/12/21

32 years of marriage…

Thirty two things I like about you & us;

1) your ability to take a bad situation and make the most of it

2) you’re cute/handsome 

3) you’re musical abilities 

4) how I can always ask you how to spell just about anything 

5) how humble you are

6) how incredibly patient you are, especially with me

7) the fact that you make my coffee every night before you go to bed, even though you don’t drink it

8) how you still open car doors for me

9) the love you show to to our cats

10) the way you pretend to be interested in my flower gardens and plants, when I’m pretty sure I’m boring you

11) how you still call me stunning and the most beautiful woman in the room, all the time

12) TGWTB

13) that you are level headed and without drama

14) how much you gush when talking about our “kids”

15) the many nicknames you have created for those you love

16) your commitment to practicing sax

17) our twisted humor in tough times 

18) how I know you are loyal, sincere and honest, without question ~ always

19) how much you care about others

20) how kind you are to me and all people 

21) how much fun we have together 

22) how you won’t walk ahead of me and always open doors for me

23) that you barely ever swear

24) that you appreciate my supporting/coming to your gigs and tell me so, often

26) your crooked smile

27) that you appreciate my ability to fix things 

28) that we have a strong partnership and share life’s challenges and the many chores 

29) how you compliment my cooking all the time

30) that you will always make sacrifices for the kids and myself 

31) how you take care of the grocery shopping, knowing I hate it

32) that we are here, at thirty two years of marriage, together & still liking each other  

I love you Big Red ~ Happy Anniversary! 

It’s Time…

 I woke knowing it was time. I’ve talked about it for years but life happens and I never get around to it. I woke from a restless night, dreams in between the awake times, something nudging me. I need to figure this out. I suddenly realize there is a higher purpose to sharing our story. 

Mark’s 56th Birthday was yesterday. Heading towards 60 suddenly seems real. Time seems to be slowly telling me, your time is ending. I’m not saying I’m sick or I’m leaving soon, I’m just saying I’m in my last 1/3 of life and it’s now or never. 

I need to write that book, I need to share our journey together. 

Maybe the higher purpose, is what it has always been. Writing helps me to release. Writing helps me process all I’m living, and gives me perspective. The written word is permanent. You can hold it, it can be reread and it is tangible. I have always found it interesting how if I write something down, there is a certain closure. Closure may be what I’m looking for. 

Potato Salad

 Sometimes, out of the blue, I especially miss my Mom. So I make her potato salad, with lots of dill and red onion. Two of her favorite flavors, in one dish. 

My memories are clouded, some good and some not. She was flawed, but we all are, and her flaws built much of my strength. So instead of holding onto what I didn’t like, I try to remember the good. 

The way she believed in girls and women is probably the biggest lesson I learned. My Mom never thought a man had to save you, but a good one, could enhance your life. She was proud of the partnership I had. Sadly, she died, before she could see how truly exceptional, he became as a father and a husband. 

She believed in the Girl Scouts, the mission and it’s lessons. She believed in the earth and that gardens of beauty were worthwhile. She loved babies and the promise they provided. She taught us to see people and care for all. The urban programs she started were to bring better unity of races and cultural divides. She believed someday the divisions of races would fade. 

Campfires remind me of her. The smell in my hair after being near one can transport me to childhood. Beechwood was one of my most favorite places to go. It was a Girl Scout Camp in Sodus, NY. The rangers name comes to me, out of the dark recesses of my memories. Skippy, but I can’t be sure I am actually correct? I hate not having her to call and ask...  My Mom’s GS camp nickname was Rusty. She got it because her hair was the color of rust. 

My Birthday coming, or the death of yet another friend’s parent. My Mom has lingered in my mind much, over the last few days. 

The story I was told, was that I was almost born, on a camping trip. Even though she was due soon and I was the last of five, she still went Memorial Day weekend camping. Her Girl Scout troop was counting on her or maybe she just wanted to enjoy a weekend in the woods? Either way, she was correct, it was fine and I wouldn’t come until Thursday, June 1. Maybe that’s why I love a good campfire and the smell of it lingering in my hair this morning. Miss you Mom... 

Congratulations My Friends

I find the grief still comes, at unsuspecting times, for reasons I wish I could ignore. 

Four years ago this June, Teale should have graduated her typical high school. I knew that time would be tough for me. I knew I would need to process my pain, to let it go. 

This year, those same kids that Teale knew, when in an inclusion setting, graduate again. The pain is different this time around. Maybe I understand and become more used to the losses?  

College graduations into adulthood, careers, relationships, Weddings, babies, it’s all bound to make me pause. I am bound to wonder and grieve the “what if’s,” but I also celebrate the relationships we are lucky to have.  

The life Teale lives, although not typical, is hers. She doesn’t really know it any differently. Mark and I do, we are the ones who pine for “normal.” We are the ones who feel the sting, as we watch the “kids,” who are her age, growing in every way. 

Stopping to feel this pain, to share my feelings and acknowledge it, helps me to move past it. I know I can’t push it down and expect it to all to disappear. 

I’ve learned much from Teale. I’ve learned much because of Teale. I’ve learned much in spite of Teale. 

It’s different, when you experience an emotion, that no matter how hard you try, you can not rationalize or push away. I have found if I verbalize my pain to Mark, it’s easier to release it. Mark understands, we share many of the same pains and joys, how bittersweet that is. 

On Facebook, I am friends with many of the typical family’s from Teale’s inclusion days. Please, don’t get this wrong, I am happy for those peers. I am thrilled for  those who are graduating college. I appreciate seeing all their achievements. 

The separation between my being happy and my pain, are difficult to put into words. I enjoy seeing the joy and celebration of the families. I love seeing these “kids,” who obviously meant something to my daughter and to my family, succeeding. So, please don’t cut me out of sharing those milestones. That would hurt far more. I don’t want my friends to walk on eggshells, scared, somehow they will cause me pain. 

Life is a series of events. Memories are built and love is shared between people. Grief creeps into these special times and then it fades. It fades because my love for all of you is stronger than my feelings of loss. 

Time doesn’t heal all things, but it has helped me with acceptance. Time has helped me to know, I’m allowed to feel, whatever it is, I feel. 

So as May continues, and college graduations are photographed and shared. Please remember, I applaud all you have sacrificed and all your loved ones have achieved. 

My losses will never diminish your achievements. I may need time to process how I feel in certain situations. I may need to talk out my pain, so I can fully appreciate the joys. I will always get there though, because achievements look different for everyone. Teale’s life has touched and taught many, maybe that is her equivalence of a college degree.  

 

32 Valentine’s Together

 32 years ago, at the young age of 21, I said yes, I would marry Mark. Our love story is one of the things I am most proud of. It’s not because of luck, we have gotten here. It’s been work in many ways, nothing has ever been more important than “us.” We truly never left our marriage to chance. It’s been a priority in both our lives to stay close, in love and maybe more importantly, “in like.” Our marriage has come above our relationship with our children but never above our relationship with God. Having a relationship with God has made our marriage more solid. I have always said Mark is my rock, my biggest supporter but without my faith and trust in God, that would not be true. I thank God, almost every night, (as I fall asleep in Mark’s arms) for this wonderful man I share life with. I know we were meant to meet, because in many ways, it is just easy. But we’ve survived a lot of crap. Not very eloquent, but very true. Even in the worst of times, we found time for each other. There were years we just couldn’t trust others to care for our kids, Teale was so unpredictable, we were too scared to leave her with others. Those years were the most difficult, they were such dark times without much hope. We were determined to find time as a couple because we were sure, it wouldn’t be easier apart. We tried to be creative at dating; a candlelight dinner for two after the kids were asleep, a couch date, with a fire in the fireplace or our favorite, a DayDate, while the kids were safely in school. We would carve out time anyway we could. We also attended counseling a few different seasons in our marriage. It was not because we were struggling with each other, but because Teale’s behaviors were so difficult on both of us and our family. It helped us sort out the pain and worry. Counseling helped us see what the other felt and how to walk the journey more kindly, with each other. Honestly, at times, the pain of raising Teale was more than either of us could bare. She wasn’t just difficult to live with for us, she also, deeply affected Beau and Gwenn. Her need for constant care made it impossible for us to give them the attention they deserved. Often, divided, we would have to attend things separately to get through. I know our young children couldn’t understand all the sacrifices we made to get through the days. Weekends and school vacations were the most challenging times. Teale out of program and routine was horrific. So, between trying to keep her safe, the other two safe from her explosive and often violent behavior, finding time for us as a couple could have suffered. But, Mark and I were determined to stay a loving couple. 32 years later and in much easier times, I can say, it was worth it! I’m proud of our partnership and know, no matter what comes next, we will always make us a priority! Happy Valentine’s Day my Dear! 

A Season or a Reason

  I’ve tried to analyze the argument. It was so strange to me. I’m not sure I understand what happened? At this point, it’s been several weeks. I sometimes dream of a meeting and talking it out, but for me, it’s too late. The trust is gone. For me, when trust goes in a relationship, that is the end. 

I’m not angry or upset, actually, I’m fine and I wish her well. I will always care about her. 

I appreciate that saying about people coming into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I believe everyone has a purpose & you learn from every encounter, whether short or long. 

Sadly, in this particular friendship, I often had a nagging underlying feeling that I had to be careful. I felt like I had to watch my words, it was work.

I’m sure the most rewarding relationships I have are the genuine ones. The ones I can speak my truth. It may be rare, but those relationships are the ones I most cherish. Conflict is inevitable, but if met with respect & a desire for a deeper understanding, conflict can be seen as a privilege. Conflict can be seen as a time to grow in understanding. 

I know I am a good friend, I know I am a good person. I know I never purposely hurt anyone. But, I also know I am going to make mistakes. I am going to mess up and accidentally hurt people I love or care about. 

In her eyes, was I cruel? In my eyes, I made a mistake, but admittedly, I didn’t understand the depth it. For me, in a trusted relationship, it would have been talked out. I thought I deserved a phone call or to set up a face to face immediately. Instead I got a text to stop contact & many days of silence. Silence seldom heals when in an argument. For me it creates doubt and time to stew. For me, silence tells me I’m not important enough to work out a disagreement with. For some, it is a deep ingrained way to deal with conflict. Silence is meant to hurt. Silence makes the other person feel worthless. Maybe that’s not the intention, but it comes across that way. Cooling down in a disagreement can be helpful and sometimes it is needed before healing can take place. The balance of that is tricky though and can backfire for some relationships & people. If this is the only way to deal with conflict or the silence lasts too long, the relationship may never heal. If silence is only used to avoid the deeper truth and the conflict is never openly discussed, how would you heal. Silence over and over again will chip away at a relationship. Stewing, instead of speaking your truth, will create much doubt. 

That is what happened for me. Silence created a feeling of doubt, a feeling of worthlessness. Then when the silence was finally broken, I felt chastised. I didn’t feel like I was heard or respected. Her anger still seemed too intense to move forward, so I gave up. Friends shouldn’t have hierarchy. A healthy relationship recognizes each other’s feelings. 

Something I recognize in my relationship with Mark, is a deep respect for each other. Without that trust, we could never have the depth of love we have. I believe, when trust and respect are there, love naturally follows. 

Ten Months Later

 It wasn’t even 4:30am when she woke me. I had hoped to sleep a little longer but that wasn’t going to happen. Teale’s is 22 years old and still wakes much too early. I dreamt of a teenager that slept until noon, it never happened. She’s always gotten up much too early and gone to bed much too early. We’ve tried keeping her up but that has never flipped her, so we’ve given up and let her go to bed before 8pm. On the rare occasions we need her to stay up later, she still gets up too early. Then, the whole next day is a nightmare, because she’s tired. 

Life with Teale has been anything but typical. Teale still lets us pick her clothes everyday. She needs help with dressing and all hygiene. We prepare, cut and serve food. Teale takes about 30 pills a day, three times a day and we monitor her taking them. 

Her care is constant and independence comes in small victories. Lately, in COVID we’ve felt stuck and stagnant. It’s tough to understand the impact this has had on my life, on the life of my family. I’ve been the caregiver, almost exclusively on weekdays. Mark sandwiches the days with caring for Teale before and after his workday. I am grateful for this, if I was “on” for all that time too, I would surely burn out. 

We used to call vacation weeks off of school or program, “survival weeks.” It was truly my job to just survive them. Get the girls through and hopefully not “drown” while caring for them. Mark had few expectations of me in those weeks off. If I made dinner and kept up on the dishes it was a victory. If there were not a rage from Teale, it was a victory. If I didn’t melt into a puddle the second he appeared from work, it was a victory! 

Life with Teale has changed so many times. She has had stages where driving her around, almost constantly was the the only thing that brought her peace. Her pool, in warm weather, has often been the most comfortable place for her soul to find contentment. Sadly, our pool months are short lived in Upstate NY. Teale has had times where being out and about was her only peace. We would try to find things to do out of the house, but often we were restricted by “hours of operation.” Malls not open, YMCA not having free swim hours, a museum closed. It was extremely difficult to keep her soul context. 

Today is Gwenn’s 18th Birthday. It also marks TEN month’s home in COVID. My life, my family’s life and the country’s life all changed on March 13, 2020. Ten months later, here I am, still home, trying to keep my family safe from this dreaded sickness. Someday, I will look back on this stage and marvel at the fact, I did it! It’s really nothing short of a miracle, with little support or the ability to fill time with places to go, I’ve survived 10 months. So here I am, documenting the sheer grit it has taken to stay home in COVID. Keeping my family safe and staying mentally well, honestly, if I think about it, it’s unbelievable. So today, I celebrate Gwenn, & I celebrate my ability to not only survive, but also thrive in these crazy times. Ten months of “survival,” someday I will wonder how I did it, but for now, I’m just grateful it hasn’t been the nightmare it could have been. God Bless everyone & here’s to a brighter future, without COVID threatening us all.