It would be difficult to express how I feel right now. The ending of our journey with Holy Childhood, Pittsford Central School District & Heritage Christian Respite Friends program all came during 2020 Quarantine. Our goodbyes via Zoom are not the ending I envisioned. My heart breaks as I realize we are done and the loss is huge. I am struggling with words, as I try to express and release the pain I am feeling. Tears welled up in my eyes and an emptiness inside. I miss the life we had, I realize that complaining will get me nothing but frustration, sadness and anger. I also know that stuffing my feelings around the losses will lead to me bursting at the seams... So here I am, vulnerable, sharing my most intimate sadness in a situation I never could have imagined. We said goodbye today, not only to the people, but to the dreams we had. We said goodbye to the ending we thought Teale would get. We said goodbye to the pent up emotional roller coaster life has been. The journey has been more difficult than most. I can say that because I have perspective of my other children. I have lived typical. I have lived severe disabilities and the disappointment that this journey has often been. Today was the culmination of a lifetime. Today, I am beyond sad to say goodbye to the life that was supposed to be... The slow goodbyes are gone, the last prom, the celebrations with friends & family, the ceremonies & the graduation, all gone or uncertain. The slower pace as we adjusted to our new reality of adult programing for Teale, is not a reality anymore. Now we hope for adult programs to reopen and Teale will not get the adjustment time we so wanted for her. How empty I feel knowing all those losses will never be. Goodbye to the gradual goodbyes, goodbye to the dreams that my heart yearns to have back... Maybe someday this time won’t hurt so much, but right now, I feel broken by all the losses and all the goodbyes I was not ready to say.
