Not knowing where I stand in my job has been difficult. The quarantine started on March 14th for us. Teale had a fever for 10 days, so my only focus was her. My job became secondary and I struggled to find the energy to even make a plan with my agency. Admittedly, I was probably avoiding what to do, hoping this nightmare would end quickly. The frustration of how we would make it through, when we thought the quarantine would only be a couple weeks, was high. Now, we have been in quarantine for 47 days. Forty seven days, unbelievable, who could have ever imagined that this would go on so long? My job has completely fallen by the wayside while I care for Teale. I no longer worry about what to do, because I no longer think I can both care for Teale and work. The slow demise of losses has been the most difficult part of this journey. We’ve lost weeks of normalcy, prom and graduation are cancelled. It’s all so heartbreaking.
My only job now is to help keep Teale stable and happy. The loss of my own identity has been huge. I enjoyed my job & most especially, the people I worked with. To help families who also live in the struggles of mental health issues has given my life, with Teale, purpose.
Sadly, until this ends, Teale is my job.
Unfortunately, Teale’s ability to do much physically is greatly hindered by her CP and compromised right arm. Teale enjoys few activities and getting her to participate is often a huge challenge. She loves being social. She loved being at school and being at her after school program with her friends. That was a life was full of quality for Teale. Being home is difficult and lonely.
Teale has very little understanding why this is happening. The days are long, with little to look forward to. I can easily find many things to do, the list is never ending for me. If Teale would agree to help me, I may be able to improve this time for her, but sadly, she often refuses any mention of a different activity. She has fallen into her own patterns and changing her is incredibly challenging. Often she is on her iPad, listening to whatever song, she is currently stuck on. The irony of that is even tough to swallow. YouTube has an infinite amount of songs she could listen to. Plus, I’ve loaded numerous family music videos for her to watch. Mark’s whole family is talented in music. It is a huge part of our family life. Teale loves her extended family and the music they all create together. She watches the videos I’ve taped both for her & for prosperity, but, she often gets stuck on some random video on YouTube. She sits in the same place of the couch, rocking back and forth, repetitively playing the same song. Suggestions of other activities often get met with anger. She’s quick to switch moods, if God forbid, Mark or I, suggest the “wrong” thing. The challenge of these mood switches is incredibly difficult. All of us have PTSD, as she often gets angry, switching moods unexpectedly. The fear immediately rises in me, I wonder if I’ll be attacked or if she will start throwing things. Will this escalate into a full fledged rage or will it pass? Often we leave her alone, and she will be able to calm herself. Other times it escalates to a place where my fear is valid. She may bite herself to the point of having a horrific bloody arm, that looks like hamburger. It’s something we attempt to stop, but Teale is bigger than me. It’s all but impossible for me to hold her & prevent her from hurting herself or others when she rages. The rages are less often, we have her fairly stable, but they are still always a threat. We live in a constant fear of a switch from content to angry. Teale may never be completely stable mentally. I’ve all but excepted this sad truth. Walking on eggshells, afraid to set her off, seems to be our norm. The quarantine is difficult in many ways, for everyone. I like the saying that we are all in the same storm, but not in the same boat. The difficulty of keeping Teale stable in this, is tougher than I share. The not knowing, if or when this will end, seems to be my biggest issue. So as you look around, be kind, offer support and please know, some of us are really struggling to stay sane...
My only job now is to help keep Teale stable and happy. The loss of my own identity has been huge. I enjoyed my job & most especially, the people I worked with. To help families who also live in the struggles of mental health issues has given my life, with Teale, purpose.
Sadly, until this ends, Teale is my job.
Unfortunately, Teale’s ability to do much physically is greatly hindered by her CP and compromised right arm. Teale enjoys few activities and getting her to participate is often a huge challenge. She loves being social. She loved being at school and being at her after school program with her friends. That was a life was full of quality for Teale. Being home is difficult and lonely.
Teale has very little understanding why this is happening. The days are long, with little to look forward to. I can easily find many things to do, the list is never ending for me. If Teale would agree to help me, I may be able to improve this time for her, but sadly, she often refuses any mention of a different activity. She has fallen into her own patterns and changing her is incredibly challenging. Often she is on her iPad, listening to whatever song, she is currently stuck on. The irony of that is even tough to swallow. YouTube has an infinite amount of songs she could listen to. Plus, I’ve loaded numerous family music videos for her to watch. Mark’s whole family is talented in music. It is a huge part of our family life. Teale loves her extended family and the music they all create together. She watches the videos I’ve taped both for her & for prosperity, but, she often gets stuck on some random video on YouTube. She sits in the same place of the couch, rocking back and forth, repetitively playing the same song. Suggestions of other activities often get met with anger. She’s quick to switch moods, if God forbid, Mark or I, suggest the “wrong” thing. The challenge of these mood switches is incredibly difficult. All of us have PTSD, as she often gets angry, switching moods unexpectedly. The fear immediately rises in me, I wonder if I’ll be attacked or if she will start throwing things. Will this escalate into a full fledged rage or will it pass? Often we leave her alone, and she will be able to calm herself. Other times it escalates to a place where my fear is valid. She may bite herself to the point of having a horrific bloody arm, that looks like hamburger. It’s something we attempt to stop, but Teale is bigger than me. It’s all but impossible for me to hold her & prevent her from hurting herself or others when she rages. The rages are less often, we have her fairly stable, but they are still always a threat. We live in a constant fear of a switch from content to angry. Teale may never be completely stable mentally. I’ve all but excepted this sad truth. Walking on eggshells, afraid to set her off, seems to be our norm. The quarantine is difficult in many ways, for everyone. I like the saying that we are all in the same storm, but not in the same boat. The difficulty of keeping Teale stable in this, is tougher than I share. The not knowing, if or when this will end, seems to be my biggest issue. So as you look around, be kind, offer support and please know, some of us are really struggling to stay sane...
