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Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Forgiveness is giving up the Hope...


As I reflect on the last 16 years of my life, this quote has been on my mind often. I came across it recently and it totally struck a nerve. The should have, would have, could have's of Teale's birth haunt both my husband and I often. Around the anniversary of her birth, I relive the memory almost constantly in my mind. I remember some things very clearly and others I think I was just told happened. It is fuzzy, what is real and what I may have imagined. I know medical malpractice was at the core of her injuries, but my belief in God and fate makes me also wonder if it could have been any different. Were Mark and I just meant to be the parents of this very special child? Are there lessons to be learned that could only be taught by living this life? I made a decision almost immediately after her birth that all I wanted was to work on gaining peace in it all. I said to Mark, I can not go through this over and over again and if we decide to sue, it will not change what has happened. We will not get back the child who was there before the brain injury occurred. I didn't want to be a victim. I knew medical malpractice is very difficult to prove and I would be ripped apart in order to try and prove it was my fault. Questions like, had I ate tuna or not taken the prenatal vitamins or I had had a glass of wine before I knew I was pregnant? The lawyers would be brutal to me and hearing the birth story through their eyes would be very painful. I was worn and just wanted to get to know my new infant. I wanted peace, for myself and for my family. We may have had a case, we may have gotten Teale compensation for the life she now lives as opposed to the one she "should" have lived....but forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different...

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