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Monday, August 4, 2014

Love is all things...

It would be tough to explain what happened yesterday. It was so violent, so sudden, so unexpected... I woke feeling awful, but the awful quickly turned to beyond words HORRIFIC. I was in a very intense migraine that took over every core of my body and made me sick to my stomach until I was empty and dry heaving. As if that wasn't enough, I couldn't get to an appropriate place and was sick in a sink that then was clogged. Embarrassed of my actions and hoping to fix my mistake before my family discovered it, I attempted to clean out and unclog the sink. My trying to fix it, only made me worse because my body was in such a revolt against itself. I struggle with no avail and then fall back into bed, crying and asking my sweet husband for help. This would only be the beginning of at least a 12 hour, drop dead, killer migraine. I haven't had one this bad in so long, I just could not cope. I had nothing very strong in the house to kill it and my mind was exploding with fear. If you have ever had a migraine, you will understand this hopeless feeling and how it can exasperate a migraine. Your fear actually seems to feed the migraine, increasing it's pain, like a monster under your bed grows suddenly in your mind if you imagine it to as a child. The more fear took me over, the stronger the migraine got. I had no medicine or a way to get any and that made me extremely vulnerable feeling. I don't want to get into the political debates around this subject, but the "new" healthcare program in our country is too expensive for my family. The rest of my family is covered under varies ways, but I am not and this was the first time I truly felt the weight of that reality. There is a shot that works for my migraines, but I had run out of them and the cost to buy them without prescription coverage is astronomical. My family struggles enough financially, so my having a costly purchase in the house that seems frivolous until when I need it, just seems very selfish. But what I would have given yesterday to have that Imitrex injection! It has worked on migraines that are sudden and violent like this, it has been the ONLY thing that has worked in migraines that are this sudden and violent. I start to imagine my needing to get to ER and the costs that will ensue if I have to do that. I would need an IV, ( and heavy painkillers) as the biggest reason I often can not overcome a migraine once I am this far gone is because I can not rehydrate myself. I vomit anything that goes into me with such violence that I'm too fearful to even try with Mark's begging me to. Often over the counter medicines work for me if I am fast enough to get them in. A combination of Excedrin Migraine and Motrin, plus coffee has been a Godsend in my life. I have also just learned how to control my migraines over the years, staying hydrated, avoiding certain foods and drinks, getting enough sleep, "letting things go," that I can not control, are just some of my coping methods. But migraines are fickle, weather can effect them, a food I have never had or have avoided for a long time and then suddenly my body revolts and turns on me without warning, can cause one. Just when I think I have it all figured out, one hits me like I have never learned a thing about how to control them. This one was possibly one of the top ten worst ones ever! It's coming a day after my renewal of vows ceremony and celebration seemed doubly cruel. The day before had been perfect, everything I had hoped for and more, but today my world crumbled. I had to rely on my husband to get me through and all I wanted was relief from the crippling pain. As I reeled in my pain, I asked him to ~ "Strangle me to death!" Ironic, considering he had just vowed the day before to love me in sickness and in health, but I just wanted relief, so until "death do us part" was what I asked for. Of course he did not strangle me, but he prayed for my relief and asked our friends, via Facebook to pray also. It was a long day, the pain eventually subsided with medicine we had in the house, a nasal Imitrex, coke syrup and another med to stop the vomiting. What I learned from yesterday was that I am loved, always, in the good and the bad, by Mark, who held me and the bucket as I got sick, by friends who helped Mark clean up our party mess in my absence, by my niece who again came to our rescue, by Facebook friends who prayed and wrote me sweet notes. Out of misery, I learned a valuable lesson, again. Love is deeper than the good times, love is deeper than the times that go the way you hope and expect. Love comes into our hearts with misery and pain, with happiness and joy. Love is all things...

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