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Friday, December 2, 2011

Broken

This past week there has been much broken at my house.
Our keypad had a drink, thanks to Teale and stopped working. That sent us into the world of looking for a new keyboard and let me tell you, all keyboards are not created equal. We had a beautiful flat, quiet keyboard, that came with our Mac. I never appreciated it, until I got this bulky, loud one. How I hate the clicking of me slowly typing! And it has been the biggest cause of my not blogging, which may be the reason for the third broken thing on this blog. Many stories have run through my head recently, but because I hate this keyboard I have avoided blogging. Sooner or later I may need to break down & get a "good one."
 Gwenn was also "broken" this past week. The poor girl woke up on Thanksgiving morning barking like a seal. She sounded like she had croup to me and there was no way we could expose the family to her illness. So since Thanksgiving is celebrated with Mark's family, it was decided he would go with Teale and Beau. Gwenn reluctantly agreed that she was too sick, we would stay home alone together. Mark sweetly hit the local grocery with Teale to get us a turkey before he left. The trip to Mark's sisters is over an hour away. With family from Massachusetts there, he would be gone most of the day until late. I decided I would try to make Gwenn & my time alone special. I made a bunch of Thanksgiving favorites and then Gwennie and I cuddled up on the couch while it all cooked. She chose the Narnia movie to watch, which we somehow owned, but had not seen. I read all the books to Beau when he was young, but as is often the case with a third child, not to Gwenn. She would enjoy things like reading a series together, but somehow our life is so much more hurried these days. She misses out on many of the things we did with Beau, Teale takes much of our time. As a I mourn such things while sitting with her, I hope she knows how loved she is. I will make the most of our Thanksgiving, a nice dinner together in a warm, cozy, quiet house. I let Gwenn choose the china, my good china will be used for our special Thanksgiving. That is something I would never do with Teale. Her milk I pour into a wine glass and we say a Thanksgiving prayer. When the night gets long, she expresses missing her family, fighting her tired, sick body to stay awake and wait for their return. I worry about how sad she must feel missing out on the traditional day, but then she tells me "We probably had more fun." As I go to bed that night I find a note from her, it simply says "I am thankful for you! Love, Gwenn" All I can think is "Ditto my sweet girl."
  My heart has been broken lately, not sure how to describe it, but the December blahs have hit me. I find December tough for many reasons. Teale was born on December 9th and I have anniversary angst every year. It is a little easier some years, but for no particular reason other years are more difficult. As she turns into a teen this year, I mourn what she doesn't live. The independence she should be gaining, I have come to realize she will probably never have. This year is much better than other years in one way because she is finally in the right school placement. At least that worry is lessoned, it is the perfect place for my special daughter. I finally feel like she and our family have a community, a place to grow old in. Today Mark and I made the decision to not tell Teale that she was going to respite straight from school. That added to my sadness, but our intent was to help Teale by not causing her extra anxiety. She worries about going to respite, especially when we will come for her. But she does well when she is there. Her anxiety causes meltdowns and other behaviors that are difficult as the day approaches for respite. That is why we decided to let school tell her with only a couple hours before the respite bus would come to get her. It all went well and she is at respite now, but the anxiety and guilt I had all day added to my blahs. We have done this many ways over the years, prepping her weeks in advance, days in advance or just hours before respite. I am never really sure we are doing it right or wrong, but we keep on trying. Mark and I have had many situations with Teale we never had with our other kids or in our many years of running in home daycare. We fly by the seat of our pants, often changing the rules that we believed in. I NEVER would have done what we did today to a typical kid, wouldn't that create mistrust? Won't she wonder if she is going to respite every time she gets on the school bus? Won't she be scared to leave us, thinking we may "surprise" her and send her to respite? I don't know the answers of course, I just know weeks or days of worry were tough on Teale and our family, so we changed the game again.
 The broken things in my life will get fixed, they heal, as Gwenn has. I will get used to this keyboard or buy another one. I know my heart won't always ache like it did today. The pain will pass, it always does. Sometimes I just think things have to break for us to appreciate them more...

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