Sometimes I feel out of control of my emotions. I can feel angry for no real reason. I believe it’s mostly hormonal and/or sometimes a “trigger” happens & I feel “off.”
Recently, the trigger was Mark’s comment to me. I had worked in the house all day. I felt good about all I had accomplished. One of the things I had done, was to repot many of my outdoor plants for the Winter. I made my powder room into an inside garden. This was my girlfriend’s idea. She knows Winter is tough for me and COVID Winter would be even more difficult. I have loved my gardens, but upstate Winters can be brutal & it’s coming.
I’m still home with Teale, to keep her safe, we barely go anywhere. Teale’s doctor’s, Mark & I have felt, because of Teale’s medical issues, it is best to not expose her to a lot of people. So, at this time, Teale’s going to day habitation, has not been in our plan. Therefore, I’m going on eight months home, caring for her.
Only two weeks ago, she started at a former respite program. I drive her there at 2:30pm & Mark picks her up after his work day. This break has been good for Teale & I. It’s a program I trust because she was in it for several years. The staff is great & she’s with a very limited number of people. She’s so happy to see her friends again! Right now, it is the only program we are comfortable with. Her doctor approved it & we are using this program as a stepping stone to possibly doing more.
Anyways, I have done numerous projects during this time home because of COVID. I had to quit the job I enjoyed, as a Family Peer Advocate, at The Mental Health Association. But, luckily, because Teale is over 21 years old, I was able to get certified as Teale’s caregiver. The pay has been better than when I worked outside the home. When I worked outside our home, it was difficult for us to stay on top of all of Teale’s needs. Teale’s medical care is on me, she has many appointments to stay on top of. Plus, Mark’s jobs are our priority. We decided long ago, I would support his being the best him in both his day job and the music gigs he got. This meant, my job had to be extremely flexible. I needed days off for school breaks, doctors, or on a whim, just because Teale needed me.
In COVID, Teale needed care 24/7, for months! I now get paid for 48 hours a week, certainly, it doesn’t cover all the hours I actually do, but it does help our income. With that income coming in, I, at least, feel validated. I care for Teale, I care for the household & I’ve been able to do numerous projects too. We are better organized & a tad less stressed, in that way. Of course COVID stress & being stuck home is different & sometimes intense...
One thing that has changed, is Mark & my “dating or lack, there of.” Teale wakes me anytime from 4am on. By 8pm, both she & I are fried! She goes to bed & generally, I’m not far behind her. Mark & I used to take advantage of this time. Teale has gone to bed very early for years. Gwenn or Beau could be home with her asleep & we could sneak out, for evening dates! Since it has never mattered when she goes to bed, because she ALWAYS gets up early, we gave up years ago & just let her go to bed by 8pm. Times we have kept her up late, we have found create a tough next day... So dating, after she was asleep, was an easy way for us to get time together. Another way we would steal time alone was to take days off from work together, while Teale was safely at programs! This way we had all day, we were refreshed and we could do things we enjoyed.
Nowadays, our days are long, Teale is up early. Mark has consistently worked through COVID, thank goodness! So, I’ve had Teale.
On a typical night, after Mark (& now, Teale) get home, we have dinner & Teale starts getting ready for bed, with Mark’s help. Then, after she’s in bed, Mark practices his sax for about an hour. I am often “done” by this time & unwind with Netflix or in Summer, watering my gardens. By the time Mark finishes his practicing, I’m generally exhausted. We then, may watch something together, or I may have already fallen asleep.
The lack of dating has been difficult on my psychological well being, but, with Teale home, it’s not easy to figure out. Not a lot of people would be willing to care for her all day.
We did have one full DayDate, on our 31st Wedding Anniversary. Two, separate, dear friends, job shared the day and watched Teale, From 9am -9pm. It was magical! Then, another time, we took about 4 hours off together. That one, I honestly could barely keep my eyes open for! This is life right now. I feel exhausted most of the time. It’s frustrating, no doubt. Mark would love to take walks or hike together, but on top of my exhaustion, I’ve been struggling with Planters Fasciitis. The constant pain is awful. I do the exercises, I soak in Epsom Salts, I ice, I wear good shoes always, I wear a night brace & it goes away, but, it has also come back.
Then there’s Marks work. He has had terribly busy days at work. He is one of two supervisors, in a department that used to have five supervisors.
During COVID, a hiring freeze was put in place. Unfortunately, there were three planned retirements that happened during this time. I offer this information as validation for Mark, he’s dealing well, with a difficult situation.
Back to the story; Mark & Teale get home & Mark shuts the window. Our kitchen is upstairs in a raised ranch, so, often it’s warmer upstairs. I tell Mark I’m hot. So he opens the window back up, but says to me ~ “So long as you don’t turn on the heat later.” Immediately, I feel like he’s not treating me as an adult or his partner. It was a trigger for me. Inside I’m pissed. I feel like my work at home isn’t validated. I feel disrespected... all these thoughts go through my head. I manage to calmly say ~ “That makes me feel like I’m back in Nancy’s (my Mom) house. I feel like a five year old, not an adult.” Mark immediately apologizes & that should be the last of it. But, like I said in the beginning. I feel like sometimes my emotions are not mine, they can feel out of my control.
Mark, never means to hurt me, so, I always try to go back to this thought. I was still struggling with letting this go, yesterday. Often, if I blog it out, that helps me figure out the underlying reasons for my feelings & release them. I think the trigger was a feeling of not being an “equal.” This is on me, not on Mark.
COVID has been tough on us all. We are all dealing with the isolation from friends & family. Many have lost jobs or had to leave them, to be caretakers. Our lives are different & sometimes, we all feel inadequate.
The trigger brought me back to chilly nights as a child. My not understanding why my Mom was so against “just turning up the heat.” Mark hit this nerve, which somehow went deeper than it was meant to, by him. The feeling of not having a say, flooded me & suddenly I felt like I wasn’t his partner. I know this wasn’t his intention.
COVID has messed with my psyche. I know life without dating my husband, makes me feel “off.” So here’s to better tomorrow’s. COVID doesn’t seem to be going away, so it is up to me to find the balance & peace, that I need.
