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Friday, August 21, 2015

When Fear Overrides Faith (part two)

The daycare changed, life changed. Our focus was tough to miss, our daughter became a job within herself. As time consuming as a baby is, nothing compared to the amount of work it took to care for Teale. She was in the NICU for two months and all the while we still cared for all the other families we had in our daycare. Coming home wasn't much better, doctors, therapists, meetings on early intervention, sleepless nights, tests, doctors and more doctors. It was hard to believe this tiny infant needed so very much. We were run ragged and if I had it to do over again, well, it might be different. I look back on the early years, the beliefs we would change what the doctors said about Teale and I wonder, did I need to fight all those fights? I believe she is far better because we fought hard for her and exposed her to much, but I also wonder if I could have sat more, loved her more and just been present, as a Mom? Did I need to argue for that extra half hour of sign language instruction? Did her PT coming four times a week instead of two or three make a ginormous difference in Teale's abilities? Could I have done more, done better, could I have tried more homeopathic remedies, could I have traveled far and wide for healing? Life became about Teale, it became a lot of work and thought to parent her. Our family focus was on making her the best we could. I often wonder how Beau survived, how our marriage grew, how we didn't all retreat into ourselves and the loss we all experienced. Were we kind to the many people who held us up? Did we thank you? Did you know how much we appreciated your rides to the hospital, your home cooked meals, your visits? Did you know you were not just helping, but you were holding us together, like the duct tape of life? There was so much love offered to us, it's tough to recall, all the gifts, not just material ones, but especially the prayers and the time given to us. My sister took endless vacation days to help us in our daycare so we could go to the countless doctor and educatioal meetings. It wasn't like we just needed a couple months of help, we've had crisis after crisis and every time, people have stepped up and helped us! I think about how shell shocked I was in some of those crisis times, often I became stoic, just pushing through. Did I thank you, did I even acknowledge your sacrifice for my family? I wish I could go back and tell each and every person who showed up on our doorstep ready to roll up their sleeves, how very much I believe you are the people who changed what Teale could have been, to what she is. The prayers from near and far, the notes and words of encouragement, they lift us and keep us going. When my faith falters, my friends and family lift me. My fear was more than I could even put into words this past Monday. Teale was horrible, she was edgy and uncomfortable in her own skin. Her anger constant. I was looking at a school break alone with her and the fear was taking over my faith that I was going to be able to do it. I then asked for prayers on Facebook and whether you believe it or not, I believe that was a game changer. This week has been nothing like I feared. Sure there were a few tough moments, but faith finally took over for the fear I had felt. Faith has carried us through so many challenging times. Mostly because so many of you, believed in us and gave us faith in ourselves. I know I owe so much to so many and quite frankly, I also know our needs for support will probably never end. Keep the faith friends and when you can't, just know you can reach out to others and be lifted until you believe again.

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