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Friday, June 19, 2015

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

I'm not going to deny, this week has been hard to process. I'm struggling with what we are dealing with and what to share. I'm usually blatantly honest, but there are times, even I don't know what to say. The truth is, I needed the last few days to be lifted by prayer and to understand it all a little more.  On Monday we were told that Teale's kidneys are beginning to fail. The medication that helps to stabilize her moods, Lithium, is damaging her kidneys. I was alone with Teale at the appointment that this information was presented to me. Mark is in a "new" job and we are being conservative about him using "vacation" days. It is a tough time to be frugal about days or even just hours off, because we are in crisis and we need both of our heads in this game. Lithium has stabilized Teale since her very first "manic" break, in first grade. It hasn't been perfect, hell, it hasn't even been good some of the time, but it is all we know. It has been what has helped her to stay fairly even and what we understand, thoroughly. We know the side effects, we know the symptoms, we know the reactions and we know the levels.
Many years ago I spoke with a doctor who, I believe told me, he was the first subscriber of Lithium in this country. He gave me some candid advice, "It is toxic, get her off of it." He advised me that marijuana would be a much safer drug. Of course in NY that is not an option. We are getting there, but it is not even close to being a drug I can count on for Teale, yet.
His words stung, "toxic" has gone through my head much. I put my daughter on poison. But you would have to understand what she was living, what my other children were living and what Mark and I were living. We were desperate and we wanted relief. We wanted "normal"& we wanted happiness, for all of us.
Lithium was discussed and with the promise and hope of a more stable child, we jumped. Ten years later, I can not regret the move completely. Teale has had much joy in her life because we were able to get her more stable, but it has run it's coarse and now we must move on...


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