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Saturday, March 15, 2014

Letting Go...A lesson I learn over and over again.

I often think about the life Teale "should" have had. Her birth was a tragedy, an occurrence of unfortunate events and incompetent people. I often wonder where those people are today, the resident who didn't believe I was in labor as my precious baby was stressed and in miconium. Where is that doctor today? Does she know how much she changed my daughter's destiny? How much Teale's birth changed my family? I think about the baby I miscarried, how that loss gave me Teale because if "he" had lived, I would not have gotten pregnant with Teale. All these thoughts run through my head more often than I care to admit. I am somewhat stuck in that loss, a lot of the time. I know it's not healthy, I know I need to let it go, but the immensity of Teale's birth going wrong effects EVERY aspect of my life. If only I had advocated harder in that triage room, if only I had insisted on another doctor checking me, if only I had voiced my concern and insisted on an emergency cesarian to get her out faster. I often wonder why I was not stronger. I often blame myself. She should have been different, she should have been ok. Only recently has my thought process changed. I  have always tried to get to a peaceful place with Teale's birth. I remember telling Mark early on, that I couldn't think about the liability of it all. I just needed to move on and find peace. I needed to accept that maybe it was all meant to be in God's infinite wisdom? I have done this in many ways, but as I said, the demons of doubt creep in too. I recently had an epiphany though, what if the baby who I never got to know, knew Teale needed us more? For many, this may sound just too Pollyanna, but for me, it feels like a faith filled moment of understanding grace and letting go. Maybe that child knew we needed Teale and Teale needed us, maybe no matter what I had done in that triage room, the results would have been the same and Teale would have come to us, as she is. Maybe she is here to teach, not to learn and maybe I always knew this on a subconscience level, but my faith and understanding is growing, so it is all making sense to me in a deeper way now. Maybe that is the biggest lesson Teale has taught me, that God is in charge and knows what we need? I will always miss the person Teale was "supposed to be." But without her the way she is, I know my life would not be as enriched.... I know I wouldn't have many of you. 

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