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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

My Rock

I'm married to a man who loves me. His love is evident and I am his priority, that I should be sure of. But I can be insecure and needy, I can question his love for me. I have a saying when I'm struggling with this, "I need some Markie time." It's a true craving I feel when our connection has been weak. When we've been running the rat race and not spending quality time together. When my soul needs to reconnect with the soul I need the most to make me feel whole. I don't always see his love as clearly as I should when he is trying to balance work, family, his life and me. Jobs and the almighty dollar often rules people's lives. You need it to survive and it also helps us to live. Vacations, times out on the town, activities with loved ones are all memory builders that need money. Sure money can't buy love, but there is no denying it buys things to make life and love more fun. Mark and I have not made many decisions in life based on getting ahead and making more money. We have done what was right and we have done what would help our family the most. That may mean what brings the most peace and or stability to our challenging family. We have chosen what was the best moral path for us. We have chosen the mentally healthy path for all our family. When life gets to me, Mark is who I seek. He calms my frazzled soul. His presence gives me strength. His words are often wise. I know he always comes from a place of caring. Mark has no hidden agenda with me, he is my rock and he loves me unconditionally. I sometimes question if I am as good as he is? I am much more opinionated. If I strongly take a stand, Mark will always back me. This can be frustrating though. I have heard myself call him a martyr. He rarely pushes an opposing side to mine. I cannot get his own thoughts on a problem or a decision that needs to be made because his words are the same "whatever you want, I want." In many ways his indecision makes our life easier because we rarely disagree. In some ways it makes life harder for me. Much is on my shoulders, I carry a lot of the weight and if I take us down the wrong path, I own it. I struggle with making many decisions alone and often seek my friend's opinions. Those who are married to opinionated men are jealous of my easy going husband. Mark is sweet, kind, loving and thoughtful. Our friendship is strong and it has an incredible ease to it. My niece recently asked me if I knew from the start that Mark and I should be together forever? I did, I felt safe with Mark. I felt cared for and loved beyond anything I had ever felt. The immediate ease of our relationship was like we had been together forever. Our friends commented from the beginning on how natural and comfortable we seemed. I am not sure what I believe in when it comes to afterlife. I believe in a heaven, but I have also thought that Mark and I must have been together some time before this life? I think about past lives, our growing and learning from them. Maybe we acquire different skills from each life to take to the next? Maybe it is our failure at a skill in a past life that we try to learn in our present life? My dreams sometimes feel like windows into those lives I already lived. What are my lessons in this life? Did I need to learn compassion, letting go, trust? Mark says I think too much, he's probably right. Maybe I just need to live in the presence and have faith it's all in God's plan, just like Mark believes...

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