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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

The Doc's, part three

The anger and sadness hurt so badly I felt like I was losing myself. I wanted to run, this was too much and I wanted to be done. Parenthood should not hurt this much. Other parents didn't experience this level of pain, did they? It would be years before I would connect with families who also understood this pain. I would never be happy for their pain, but the understanding made my life so much more tolerable. But this was not the day I had expected to have. It was October 21st, 2005, a Friday. That night a long time family friend's daughter was getting married. It was their only child and it was sure to be a beautiful wedding. I love a wedding, I love sitting through the vows while holding my husband's hand and thinking about our own special day many years ago. I love that our love is so strong and the meaning of the ceremony is so much more powerful to me as we age. I took it seriously as a young bride, but today, in our relationship, in our marriage, I feel even more blessed and even more in love than ever. We have lived much happiness and we have lived much pain. There is some truth that what doesn't kill you, strengthens you. We have grown together, learning from life and one another. We have loved each other with a strength that builds. Often when I say "I love you," Mark responds "I love you more," but it doesn't stop there because I believe "I love him more" to which he always replies "You obviously don't understand the meaning of infinity." Infinity, that is what makes our marriage, we are here for each other forever. When we said those vows many years ago, maybe we did not understand how committed we would be to each other? As I age, I see our marriage as not only solid in love, but also a firm commitment to each other and our God. Sure we have had hard times, moments when the grass looked a little greener on the other side. We worked through tough times because, let's face it, the grass still needs tending and mowing in the neighbors yard too. As I let go of the fact that we would not be spending the night celebrating a new marriage, we would instead spend it hospitalizing our daughter. I realized our marriage was even strong enough to get through this crisis. I packed Teale, struggling with what to send to a hospital where she would know no one. I filled her suitcase with favorites and hoped I wasn't forgetting something that she would want. I called our friends to let them know we probably would not make the wedding, leaving a small opening, just in case. My sister was disappointed and was in touch much of the night, just hoping I would pull myself together and come, even for a short time. I just couldn't though, my heart ached so much I felt like bursting. I had cried for so long my eyes were swollen and red. No make up could fix me, celebrating would be impossible. Who besides Mark could understand this pain I was feeling? I have faked joy through many tough times, but this time I just could not do it. I felt like I would be a downer at an event where no one should be. My Mom, my brother and a few close friends came to comfort me. All their words were few, their compassion and care was evident though and that meant more than words. Afterall, what could you say to a Mom in this much pain and uncertainty? My friends stayed with me while Mark went to Teale's school to get her and take her to ER. He would need to insist on a pediatric psychiatry admission. Dr Tom called ahead to the hospital. Dr Dave supported Dr Tom's advice, Mark and I needed relef, we were failing too. The unknown was killing me as I waited for a call from Mark. I had Gwenn and Beau and quite frankly I was a basket case. It was decided it was best for me to not go with Mark to the hospital, leaving my Teale would be just too heartbreaking. No matter how much I knew she and our family needed this help, I just couldn't do it. Thank God for Mark, he was strong, levelheaded and loving. I trusted he was doing the right thing and would not leave my daughter, our daughter, someplace unsafe. I had to trust or I might lose more than just sleep. Teale's seizures are never less than 45 minutes long and they have been close to two hours long. I could not be responsible for her having a big one that caused her more brain damage or even death, I had to trust the help was going to work. I had to trust Dr Tom, Dr Dave and Mark. I had to let go of my anger and pray for relief. It would be hours before Mark could call me and let me know how things were going. My friend stayed with me and let me cry and talk and sit in silence. Those hours were torturous, but in the end it was one of the best things we ever did for Teale. ~to be continued~

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