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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Yo Yo Dieter Extraordinaire!

Weight, it is a huge issue for me. I go up most winters and then usually, with luck I go down most springs. The problem is, I'm getting older and the weight doesn't fall off like it once did when I finally hit that "OM, I'm HUGE!" stage. It takes hard work and patience. This doesn't seem to work for me. I don't exercise regularly and I'm patient with everyone else, just not with me. I love sweets and quite frankly, I hate watching what I'm eating constantly. So, I go up and then when I get fed up I go down. I've been doing it for years and years, actually, my whole life. In junior high I was quite thin as I recall, but I was not happy with my "big boned, German bod" as my husband calls it. I wanted one of those model skinny bods. I would diet, following whatever the latest fad was from Fonda to Oprah. I liked sweets back then too, so I started cutting calories by eating only the junk I wanted to and cutting out healthy calories. Then I got sick as an eleventh grader in high school, really sick. Mono knocked me down for a month, all I did was sleep and I never ate. By the time I finally came out of it, I was thinner and not at all hungry. I loved the attention I got when I went back to school, even though most of it was worry because I was so gaunt. I think that is what started a vicious cycle of poor dieting skills. I would eat whatever for awhile, realize I had gained weight and then go on a crash diet. Thus the yoyo dieter in me was born. This winter I hit an all time high! I was TOTALLY out of control, eating sweets of all kinds and huge portions of favorite meals. I knew it was my fault, but I just couldn't seem to stop, I was stressed and food was the fix. Finally, it hit me and I knew I needed to stop. I hated my body. I hated getting dressed in the mornings because nothing fit and I looked dumpy. I had to do something. I knew I was addicted to sugar. I needed to detox from it. I needed to get it all out of my system. I gave up all sugar, cold turkey. The first few days were hell, but it got easier after that. I gave up diet drinks too after reading much about diet drinks making you fat because your body is metabolizing them the same as real sugar. I'm probably setting myself up for bingeing on sugar again someday. When you are dieting you get everyones advice and opinions. A common opinion is that my cutting out all sugar will make me want it more. I know they may be right, I know I've lost in the past, just to gain again. The thing is, this time I think I get me better. I eat for many reasons, none of them are just to give my body energy. I am not an eat to live person, I'm a live to eat person. So this time I'm taking the time to learn more about my issues around food. Why with my Dad's death did I chunk up, but with my Mom's I got skinny? I know I eat out of stress the most. I used to love the quick sugar pick me up. Sure, soon after I would be crashing, but the sugar high was so good, I would just do it again. I eat the wrong stuff or too much of it. I eat because as a Celiac I am denied so much, I felt entitled. I eat when I'm not hungry because it tastes good. I eat because it is there and I don't want to throw it out. I eat with friends and family, just to be social. There are more reasons, many more and I'm just discovering all of them. I know I have a lot of work to do, I know this is all a very deep seeded issue. So this time, as I journey into more healthy eating, I hope to finally feel at peace with the "whys." This process of detox is not only helping me to stop craving sugar but it is also helping me learn more about me.

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