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Sunday, March 27, 2011

Perfect Normalcy

The morning started with Teale "on fire." From the get go, she was racing with thoughts of things she wanted. Intense and edgy, Mark and my answers to her constant inquiries had to be carefully thought out. When we answer "wrong" her intensity increases. We were not hardly awake and Teale was already wanting to go, go, go. She has been on a grocery store kick, wanting to go to the store constantly, two or three trips a day is not uncommon. While there she has been mostly fine, no really angry outbursts or issues. The thing is I hate grocery shopping, actually I hate shopping in general. Another thing is the amount of money spent going that much. The last and most frustrating thing is that is causes much disjointedness in our family. One of us always running around with Teale and the other one with our other two children and or all the housework to do. We are a family of five and we took on the care of Mark's Mom in October, so there is always much to do at home. This morning was supposed to be our break from that disjointed feeling. About a month ago I hired a babysitter for Teale for every Sunday so I could start attending church again with Mark, his Mom, Beau & Gwenn. This morning I just wanted to get ready for church and leave Teale happily with her sitter, so I could steal a couple hours of peace and regroup. Teale had other plans, she wanted to get dressed and go to a store. I set my foot down that she needed a bath or shower and that is when "Intermittent Explosive Disorder" took over my morning. She started raging that she didn't want to bathe, she didn't want the sitter, she didn't want us to go to church, she wanted to go to church with us and on and on it went. We were both hit, kicked, things were thrown and the screaming, wow, the screaming was so loud. She was bitting herself and in general being very nasty to both of us. Then the worst thing that could happen did, she threw her beloved cell phone a friend had given her and it split into two pieces. That was the "cherry on top" as the saying goes. The raging took on a whole new intensity as both Mark and I alternated who was trying to get dressed for church. In the mist of all this, we still hoped to go to church. I have laughed at the many mornings that have gone like this and then the rage stops somehow, almost miraculously and we get to wherever it is we are trying to go and look perfectly normal. I finally caved and went to the many medicines we own to help Teale. After a quick assessment and very brief discussion with Mark, we decided on valium and not our usual one, but two. I considered one for myself too, at this point I'm fried. I'm fried trying to get a couple hours of peace, ironic, hu? We get the medicine in her, another strange Tealism, even in a rage she will usually take the pills from me and swallow them. It begins to calm her after awhile and she finally agrees to the bath that started it all. Mark has left with his Mom and Gwenn, just in case I can not leave Teale with the sitter. Teale gets cleaned up and dressed nicely. I finish getting ready and soon we are on our way to church together. The sitter, Jeannine comes with us and we walk into church looking like all is well. Only Mark and I really know the hell of the morning we just endured. It's funny how we can move on from something so violent and awful as our daughter in a full rage, to sitting in church. I grabbed a couple hours of peace, kinda, my mind raced and I wasn't altogether there. I thought a lot about why God would give such horrid diseases to my daughter and about her pain. As I sat next to her, I looked at her smile and thought, wow, we look like the picture of perfect normalcy. The thing is I bet we aren't the only ones hiding behind a fake smile. 

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