A Season or a Reason

  I’ve tried to analyze the argument. It was so strange to me. I’m not sure I understand what happened? At this point, it’s been several weeks. I sometimes dream of a meeting and talking it out, but for me, it’s too late. The trust is gone. For me, when trust goes in a relationship, that is the end. 

I’m not angry or upset, actually, I’m fine and I wish her well. I will always care about her. 

I appreciate that saying about people coming into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I believe everyone has a purpose & you learn from every encounter, whether short or long. 

Sadly, in this particular friendship, I often had a nagging underlying feeling that I had to be careful. I felt like I had to watch my words, it was work.

I’m sure the most rewarding relationships I have are the genuine ones. The ones I can speak my truth. It may be rare, but those relationships are the ones I most cherish. Conflict is inevitable, but if met with respect & a desire for a deeper understanding, conflict can be seen as a privilege. Conflict can be seen as a time to grow in understanding. 

I know I am a good friend, I know I am a good person. I know I never purposely hurt anyone. But, I also know I am going to make mistakes. I am going to mess up and accidentally hurt people I love or care about. 

In her eyes, was I cruel? In my eyes, I made a mistake, but admittedly, I didn’t understand the depth it. For me, in a trusted relationship, it would have been talked out. I thought I deserved a phone call or to set up a face to face immediately. Instead I got a text to stop contact & many days of silence. Silence seldom heals when in an argument. For me it creates doubt and time to stew. For me, silence tells me I’m not important enough to work out a disagreement with. For some, it is a deep ingrained way to deal with conflict. Silence is meant to hurt. Silence makes the other person feel worthless. Maybe that’s not the intention, but it comes across that way. Cooling down in a disagreement can be helpful and sometimes it is needed before healing can take place. The balance of that is tricky though and can backfire for some relationships & people. If this is the only way to deal with conflict or the silence lasts too long, the relationship may never heal. If silence is only used to avoid the deeper truth and the conflict is never openly discussed, how would you heal. Silence over and over again will chip away at a relationship. Stewing, instead of speaking your truth, will create much doubt. 

That is what happened for me. Silence created a feeling of doubt, a feeling of worthlessness. Then when the silence was finally broken, I felt chastised. I didn’t feel like I was heard or respected. Her anger still seemed too intense to move forward, so I gave up. Friends shouldn’t have hierarchy. A healthy relationship recognizes each other’s feelings. 

Something I recognize in my relationship with Mark, is a deep respect for each other. Without that trust, we could never have the depth of love we have. I believe, when trust and respect are there, love naturally follows. 

Ten Months Later

 It wasn’t even 4:30am when she woke me. I had hoped to sleep a little longer but that wasn’t going to happen. Teale’s is 22 years old and still wakes much too early. I dreamt of a teenager that slept until noon, it never happened. She’s always gotten up much too early and gone to bed much too early. We’ve tried keeping her up but that has never flipped her, so we’ve given up and let her go to bed before 8pm. On the rare occasions we need her to stay up later, she still gets up too early. Then, the whole next day is a nightmare, because she’s tired. 

Life with Teale has been anything but typical. Teale still lets us pick her clothes everyday. She needs help with dressing and all hygiene. We prepare, cut and serve food. Teale takes about 30 pills a day, three times a day and we monitor her taking them. 

Her care is constant and independence comes in small victories. Lately, in COVID we’ve felt stuck and stagnant. It’s tough to understand the impact this has had on my life, on the life of my family. I’ve been the caregiver, almost exclusively on weekdays. Mark sandwiches the days with caring for Teale before and after his workday. I am grateful for this, if I was “on” for all that time too, I would surely burn out. 

We used to call vacation weeks off of school or program, “survival weeks.” It was truly my job to just survive them. Get the girls through and hopefully not “drown” while caring for them. Mark had few expectations of me in those weeks off. If I made dinner and kept up on the dishes it was a victory. If there were not a rage from Teale, it was a victory. If I didn’t melt into a puddle the second he appeared from work, it was a victory! 

Life with Teale has changed so many times. She has had stages where driving her around, almost constantly was the the only thing that brought her peace. Her pool, in warm weather, has often been the most comfortable place for her soul to find contentment. Sadly, our pool months are short lived in Upstate NY. Teale has had times where being out and about was her only peace. We would try to find things to do out of the house, but often we were restricted by “hours of operation.” Malls not open, YMCA not having free swim hours, a museum closed. It was extremely difficult to keep her soul context. 

Today is Gwenn’s 18th Birthday. It also marks TEN month’s home in COVID. My life, my family’s life and the country’s life all changed on March 13, 2020. Ten months later, here I am, still home, trying to keep my family safe from this dreaded sickness. Someday, I will look back on this stage and marvel at the fact, I did it! It’s really nothing short of a miracle, with little support or the ability to fill time with places to go, I’ve survived 10 months. So here I am, documenting the sheer grit it has taken to stay home in COVID. Keeping my family safe and staying mentally well, honestly, if I think about it, it’s unbelievable. So today, I celebrate Gwenn, & I celebrate my ability to not only survive, but also thrive in these crazy times. Ten months of “survival,” someday I will wonder how I did it, but for now, I’m just grateful it hasn’t been the nightmare it could have been. God Bless everyone & here’s to a brighter future, without COVID threatening us all. 

Unanswered Questions

 Unrest, irritable, anxiety, this morning without any words, she just seems off. She’s rocking on the couch & rewinding her iPad constantly. Teale’s worried about where Sage, our newest cat is. She stresses about the cats getting in her room. This is one of her many strange behaviors we can’t explain. Teale has always stressed over the cats. She seems to think they have magic powers to get into her room and she doesn’t like them in there. Mark and I think back, has she gotten her medication the last few days? It is unusual for us to miss a dose, but it happens. Boxes filled for morning, 3pm and before bed seem complete and have been taken. She started a new medication a week or so ago, that may be kicking in? Maybe it isn’t working and she’s uncomfortable? It’s a guessing game always, especially with a new medication. Teale can’t give us insight on how she feels. She just seems off or ok. When she’s off, we guess, sickness, hurting, emotional, mental swing??? It’s endless and frustrating. COVID has changed much. She misses friends and her programs. So now we guess even more, because COVID has added different factors that could be causing unrest. Taking a chance and meeting up with Teale’s friend’s, has been balanced with not taking risks. She needs social interactions but COVID in our home scares me. Mark has some serious medical issues along with Teale. We talk about how to help her and decide maybe having a friend come over is the answer? Maybe she’s just bored? Aren’t we all, at least a tad bored? I know I miss my friend’s and a life outside my home. So, of course I contemplate how this all makes Teale feel. Prayers for answers is often all I have. Pray for the mentally ill, isolation is a tough place for them to be.