This took place on May 23rd.
In general, I feel like I’m a hopeful person. I look for the good &/or the lesson in any situation. Most of the time, I can know the next day will be better, but yesterday I struggled with our life. Mark and I have been challenged a lot lately, there are a few different things that have really been tearing at our hearts. I’m sad, defeated feeling and questioning my faith. At times like this it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Mark and I have always agreed on keeping Teale in our care, but lately I have questioned this more and more.
Last week, very early in the morning or maybe it was more like the middle of the night? I guess I should share some background first. About a year and half ago, Teale stopped sleeping through until morning. Her internal clock was off, a new medication to help her mental instability, caused insomnia? Honestly, with Teale, it’s tough to say the what and why. So for about 18 months she’s been waking me anytime from 12am to 4:30am. It’s tough to even write this without questioning what I’m saying. The sleep deprivation has been so severe that I often question myself. It’s like living in a constant dream state.
So, with that background, last week, one morning, I was up with her about 3am. She has this habit of picking her face. It’s something I’m constantly trying to help her to stop. It can get obsessive, if she has a pimple or something, it scars, she picks it to bleeding, it almost heals, she picks it again. That morning, she had a scab that was on its way to healing. I was hopeful and grateful it was was almost healed. Then she did it again, picked the scab. It was bleeding pretty heavily, so she got a tissue in the bathroom and came back to the couch. I was in a chair nearby and got up to see her face. I said to her ~ “Teale let me see.” I wanted to see if it was bleeding badly and try to help. Immediately she attacked me. Instantly taking me down, scratching my face, pulling my hair, she had me trapped by gripping my hair in her hand. I couldn’t get her to release. I didn’t have my cell to call for help, Mark was downstairs, far enough away, sleeping soundly. As she was ripping hair from my head, my face buried into her arm, my only defense, biting her to get her to release. It worked, she released, but then it was still a battle. Me just trying to stay safe, her trying to hurt me, throw, knock over, break, anything she could. She’s without filter in these rages. Just attacking in anyway she can. Somehow in the mist of it all, I was able to grab my cell, then getting her in a position where I had the upper hand, I called Mark’s cell. As soon as he answered I said ~ “Help me, help me, help me!” He was upstairs in a flash and took over. Waiting out these rages is our only method. But, depending on if she’s attacking, it can be even more brutal to do this. Sometimes we need to keep her, our selves and the house safe. In those times, we are generally have to hold her, as best we can. This has become increasingly difficult. Her size is the biggest issue for me, but also that she is ruthless. As I said, Mark took over, it was only about 4:15am, which meant we had plenty of recovery time before her van came for program. The exhaustion is brutal, I’m missing life at night, when I often go to bed right after dinner. I’m not sure how Teale is doing it. So that’s an illustration of how things can go terribly wrong…
Monday was another awful morning. We are also stuck in this cycle of Teale wanting to see a doctor. She insists on something being wrong and to pacify her, Mark would often tell her whatever she wanted. Things like, she would see a dr next week, or she would get a brace or a cast soon. It may sound strange, but imagine living in it. Teale often bullies and controls us by the threat of a rage. Somehow, pacifying her, hoping she would move on without all Hell breaking loose, often seems easier. Well, I could never verbalize well why I thought the pacifying was actually just prolonging our torture. Then we started working with a counselor who specializes in working with people who are diagnosed with intellectual disabilities. I tried, with her, to explain my concern, it clicked and we understood each other. The empty promises used to work when she was younger, but now it exasperates her obsessions. She gets stuck in a vicious cycle. Well, Mark finally got it too! It took him a bit longer to buy into “the lying was creating more anxiety.” But explaining it in different ways help him to get “because what he told her, would never come true” it made her not trust and have worse anxiety. The only way to explain how he fell into this trap, is to understand living with a constant master bully! Teale has nothing more to do than to keep at us until she gets what she wants. She can say over and over again that she wants to see the doctor and eventually, Mark would say something like, 2 weeks from tomorrow… Again, without living in it, you might judge and think you would do it differently. Believe me, I know I used to think I could “fix Teale.” She’s come a long way and yes, much is better, but we often, still hang on by the skin of our teeth!
So, back to Monday morning, Mark was really trying to stick to the plan of not pacifying with empty promises. Teale was amped up because she wasn’t getting the answers she wanted. A bit of a rage, throwing her breakfast, we waited it out, she had to pick up what she threw. She wasn’t completely settled but Mark thought she was calm enough to push forward on getting ready for her DayHab program. He took her to the bathroom and shortly after, that’s when I heard him scream -“SHIT, SHE BROKE THE TOILET….” Water rushing into the hallway, I knew he meant broke, as in shattered the porcelain tank.
To be continued…
