Apparently November is National Caregivers Month. I was trying to figure out what this is to me. I decided that in order to do that, I needed to write.
Caregiving is everyday. It’s not a job, Mark or I walk away from at the end of our shift. “Caregiving” sounds wrong somehow. I’m struggling to understand and put into words why I feel this though.
Since COVID, when people ask me what I do, I often say “I lost my job in COVID.” The truth is, my job got more challenging in COVID. I was home 24/7 with very little outside support. Teale and I barely left the safety of our own home. I had to fill her long days with activities and purpose.
Parenting changes as Teale grows. We work and hope for more independence, all the while, knowing independence is really just a dream. The grief, I’ve often talked about experiencing, is never ending. Maybe the real reason is because the end of caregiving will only come in death. That realization probably shocks others, but, saying it out loud is liberating. It is something that Mark and I keep deep inside, because admitting it hurts too much. Death is something we fear when it comes to our unique families. There is the fear of our spouse dying and being alone in “this.” There is the fear of our child dying and our never recovering.
Death will be the only way we will “retire” from our job. Whether it is our own death or the early death of Teale, death is the only way we will stop caregiving. So, is caregiving the right word to describe what Mark and I do?
For us, it’s truly our life. It permeates every conversation, every moment. To be my friend, you must understand this and be tolerant of my mind constantly circling back to Teale. Teale’s care is ingrained in both our souls. Teale, we never get a complete break from, because even in breaks, our hearts are with her and our minds worry.
So, somehow calling us caregivers feels demeaning to both us and to Teale. She’s not in my care. She is a complete person, our daughter, who we love and who we are always there for. I think that is what most call parenthood?
