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Sunday, January 30, 2011

It all started...

It all started when we were driving home one day in our smaller car because the big red van was in the shop. We had bought a conversion van to have extra space in a vehicle, a needed "luxury" for our middle daughter, but today the van wasn't available. We had come from our son's soccer game about twenty five minutes away and we were almost home. Beau, Gwenn and I were in the back seat, Mark was driving. Teale, who is diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder among many other issues, was in the front seat to protect our other two kids from her sudden rages.
Teale was happily drawing on a small white board and we were just minutes from home, when it happened. She dropped the top to her marker and our whole world suddenly changed. Going from happy, even estatic to an angry and violent kid with practically no warning was common for Teale, but in the small car, it was especially alarming. She would go for what she could get, her anger has no filter and we were all in danger. We stopped the car to look for the marker top and evaluate our next move. The marker top was hidden somewhere in the crevices of the car and Teale's anger was in full rage now. We then decided to just get home, it was only six or so minutes, there we could help Teale to calm in a safe environment.
This was in the beginning of our understanding our daughter's violent outbursts. We were still in the trying to reason stage and we greatly underestimated her perseverance. She attacked us, she went after the car controls and threw anything and everything she could. I then held her as best I was able while she tried to bite, hit, scratch and kick her way out of my grasp. Mark continued driving, hoping to just get us home quickly and safely.
When we finally pulled in the driveway, Mark jumped out to get Teale out from my grasp and out of the car. He took our screaming, out of control child and put her on the driveway. At this point our only goal was to wait it out, hoping she calms quickly, while keeping her and everyone else safe. We were unaware of anything around us, the stares of neighbors, or of cars passing by. We just had one goal in mind, to survive this.
Mark and I were deflated. Worst than how we felt, there was how our daughter felt. What pain she must have in her to react so violently to such a simple problem.
It was a low not many can understand, the feelings of guilt, of loss and complete heartache filled me. The uncertainty of the future went through my head. I especially worried about her strength increasing and how I would ever drive with her alone?
It was a defining moment in our family, watching this screaming child on the driveway & then I heard it, "We are God's entertainment." Beau said loudly. His statement changed everything. We were able to laugh and with that laughter we were also able see the gifts Teale gives us all. She gives us strength and humor and understanding. She gives us compassion and caring and a deep love. The five of us are bonded in a way that would be tough to understand by others. At that moment we realized no matter how bad it is or how bad it gets, we have each other and as Beau so eloquently pointed out, we have God.

3 comments:

  1. This is too funny because just the other day I was thinking, Ellie- you need to write a blog about your life- no one would ever believe it all and poof here it is! Nice job my friend!
    Laura

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  2. I have never before had the good fortune to associate, even through a computer, with a person - a family - that shows such strength, love, and faith. Thank you for your generosity of spirit.

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  3. Thank you Kira! If you have actually read all entries, (LOL!) I also share frustrations, anger, loses & discouragement. We are not and none of us are perfect. Sharing my stories helps me to release much and evaluate what is important; always bringing me back to love & God. Families like mine are not unusual, many struggle with these same challenges. I hope my being open and honest teaches compassion for some and to others gives a feeling of unity.

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