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Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Soul Searching

I think I'm a very secure person in my relationship with my husband. He treats me well and I've never had cause for thinking he is not loyal to me. 
So my deep feelings around his removal of his Wedding bands for gigs has kinda shocked me. (Mark wears one on each hand. His right hand is his original, plain gold band from our Wedding. On his left hand is a ring I designed for him with a diamond from a friend. I gave it to him on our five year Wedding Anniversary. On our 25th Wedding Anniversary that ring was finally Blessed at our renewal of vows ceremony.)
Last night was not the first time he has removed his bands for a gig, saying it messes up his bongo/percussion playing. It also wasn't the first time I've wondered why it bothered me so. After all, I KNOW our marriage is strong and not based on wearing of rings or not. 
So when Mark questioned me and I had no logical response, I thought, I'm going to pray on this. Before I fell asleep last night I asked for understanding, for the "why" his taking off his Wedding bands bothered me deep within my core. When I woke this morning I had an answer. The answer rocked me, but made sense. I've had strong reactions like this before, in totally different situations, but again, the reason was the same. 
I was a young girl who adored her Father, some of the good memories are very clear; ice fishing, walks in parks, picnics, Honeoye Lake at my Grandparents place, Menlo Place and my Grandparents... Lots of memories flood my mind when I think of my Dad, but sadly one thing has challenged me the most, his affair on my Mom. 
I don't know the truth of that time, heck, I was just a kid and hardly know what their relationship was, the good or the bad.
I do know I was exposed to much a child probably should never have heard or seen. One of my most vivid memories has always caused me pause.
I was on a date with my Dad, just him and I going to a park for a picnic, or so I thought. We would "run into" a friend of his, a woman much younger than my Dad. She would be very sweet and as a young girl, I would enjoy the kindness and attention she showered on me. It wouldn't be until I told my Mom about the nice lady Dad and I saw at the playground that I would kinda catch on. 
I'm not sure if this will make sense to anyone, but in watching the demise of my parents relationship, I had a lot of guilt. As a little girl I thought somehow I had caused it, by telling my Mom about Dad's friend. One day far after the picnic my Dad married that "nice lady" from the park. 
I forever would juggle enjoying her company and not hurting my Mom's feelings, by pretending to not like her. It was very complicated... 
So back to my story, I believe my Dad's taking off of his Wedding ring to my Mom was a very traumatic event in my life. I think it was a deep, unresolved time when I realized my parents were breaking up. My Father's naked hand was the start of it all, at least to a little girl who didn't understand the complications of a marriage. 
Mark will tell you, I get very needy every time someone around us breaks up. I will ask him more than my usual for reassurance that we are ok and then eventually, with time and his patience, I go back to "my normal."
I have done much soul searching and I have gotten much counseling over these feelings. My Father died without Mark even meeting him. We had been married a few years when my Dad passed, but he had been struggling many years with mental illness and alcoholism, so for my own sake, I had stepped away. His death was hard on me though. I had much guilt that I should have helped him. I had to face those demons that had caused me to walk away from my Dad. I had to feel the pain that I wasn't going to ever get that "second chance" that I had counted on and I had to move forward. I worked hard at this, but obviously, I am not completely "cured" from this huge loss in my life or from the betrayal I witnessed.
Mark taking off his Wedding rings is not a big deal, but apparently it brings up a deep and sad memory for me, making it a big deal to me.

So for that, Mark, bear with me, I'm still trying to get used to the fact that you love me unconditionally, rings or not! XOXOXO

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