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Thursday, June 2, 2011

Birthdays

I turned 44 yesterday and was reminded how lucky I am to be so loved. Facebook posts, texts coming in, visits, cards, phone calls, gifts dropped by, flowers picked, meals out, hugs given; it was truly a day of love. 44 doesn't thrill me, quite frankly I don't like aging at all. 22 was my absolutely favorite year. I married Mark and had my whole life ahead of me. Our goals were similar and our dreams were big. Our life has taken many twists and turns since those years of naivety. We have, quite frankly, survived much but we are among the lucky couples that have just gotten closer through it all. Some days I can't believe how long we have been together. As I look at his handsome face and realize how much I still find him attractive, both inside and out, I feel blessed. This year marks the year I have been with my husband half my life, how strange to have been married as long as I was alone. His aging doesn't seem to bother him, I wish I was a person who embraced aging also. I wish I saw the good in it, but all I see is life moving by me much too fast and the many things I should have accomplished by now. I'm not filled with only regret, but there certainly are a fair number that spin through my head on a regular basis. The things I should have done, the things I wish I had done and the the things I still hope to do, that list is endless. I regret not spending more time with relatives that have passed, especially my Mom and Dad and Grandparents. I regret things I have done or said that have caused anyone pain. I regret not realizing my younger years were the easy years and not "saving" both figuratively and literally for these tougher, leaner years. Those are the big ones, those are the ones I put my finger on almost daily. Today I will start fresh and hopefully learn from my mistakes because I have and will make many more. And where I have no control I will pray for guidance and strength. Today I will set some goals for my 44th birth year. By 45 I will be a whole year wiser and suddenly 44 will seem young.

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