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Friday, February 24, 2017

Learning to Let Go

We are slowly working on transitions for Teale to be in the care of Beau, eventually. The process & thoughts that flood my mind are so overwhelming. I am realizing all the things I automatically know & do for Teale's care that I never voice, even to Mark. We are a good team & support our family in certain roles/duties that the other may never do or even know about. It has worked well in our life, but the thought of handing over the reigns to anyone, is a struggle.
I know I'm a bit of a control freak. I need/want Teale cared for to my standards. Starting a notebook of every detail of care may help me to let go, as I work through this process, but will I ever be at peace with "the letting go?" There are many before me, who have had to give up care of their special needs children. I try to learn from their experiences. I try to be realistic, Teale could easily outlive me by thirty years. Someday, I will be too old or gone & that day is slowly creeping up on us. So before it is too late & I need the transition immediately, I will prepare as best I can. Loving a child with many needs teaches us much, but letting go probably comes the hardest. 

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Gwenn's Birth Day

I forgot to publish this on the day, but want to save this memory.

Fourteen years ago on 1/13/03; Beau was 7 years old & in the 3rd grade. He was very excited about being a big brother again & hoped for a boy! Teale had just turned 4 years old, her behaviors were getting more intense & more difficult to control. Sadly, we had just switched her from her very sweet classroom at Augustine Children's Center, to Mary Cariola Children's Center. The all day program at MCCC was recommended to help us & Teale, as our discovery of her mental illnesses was starting to unfold. It had been a difficult switch, because she had been at Augustine 2 years & we were very comfortable there, but the drs and the staff at both schools assured us, this was for the best.
Our new baby was to be born on a Monday morning, by planned cesarian section, since our first 2 births had been quite traumatic, my dr thought this was for the best. We had chosen, once again, to not find out the sex of our baby. For me, it gave me something to look forward to, God's surprise. I had no real opinion on what I wanted, a boy for Beau seemed nice, but a sister for Teale and a typical daughter for me, seemed sweet too. As cliche as it sounds, Mark & I were just hoping for a healthy & uneventful birth, still we had the trauma team scheduled to be in the delivery room, just in case.
I desperately wanted to be handed my baby immediately, as this was my last chance at experiencing the birth of my own child & both of our other two had been rushed off to the NICU.
The day before, a Sunday, had been filled with much anxiety & overwhelming fear. I recall being teary & trying to hold in all the emotions I felt. I was so scared of delivering a baby not breathing, for the 3rd time.
I wish I could have known it would all be ok & enjoyed my final pregnancy & birth more.
Gwenn Gabriela came into the world silently, but breathing on her own. To this day, her silence @ birth, is indicative of the person she is. Gwenn is Gwenn & always has had a very "quiet & chill personality." Her excitement over anything is practically nonexistent, so her birth makes much sense. But, as I waited for her screams in the delivery room, I remember being terrified "I had done it again."
Mark videotaped much of the moments immediately following Gwenn's birth. Her incredible patience as the nurses poked & prodded her, is actually very funny. Beau was probably a little disappointed he didn't get his brother, but he never let on & was very sweet with her. Teale told every person she saw ~ "The good, good baby came out!" And we would have to explain...
Those were sweet times with my young family.
And even in the toughest times of their young childhood, I have loved being a wife and a Mother.
Happy Birthday to my youngest, Gwenn Gabriela! I 💗 you!