On Thursday there was not a laugh or even a slight smile from her all day. Teale literally just growled, yelled & was horribly mean to us the entire day. Her soul seemed completely unsettled and very angry. Yesterday was still quite unpredictable & unsettled at times, but she smiled & laughed some, which made the day 100% better. I truly needed to see that joy, even just a little, to renew my faith. Cycles are common with Teale. She goes through weeks of tough, hopefully followed by weeks of happy & calm. The last few weeks have been unpredictable, rages have been more often again, intensity of moods has been high, but Thursday was by far the worst day in a very long time. It broke both Mark & my heart, not for ourselves but for Beau & Gwenn, who will forever remember Thanksgiving 2014 as a very sad day. Our family has no choice but to plug through those days when Teale's moods control us all. Having those days happen on holidays is more common than not. I have often wished for crisis help on days her mental illness is uncontrollable. A place she could go, so we could take a break & renew our souls to continue caring for her. I have wished for magic pills & therapy that cures. On Thursday I wondered much about medical marijuana & if it would have helped Teale to feel more at ease in her very obviously tortured self. I'm often frustrated by not being able to help my daughter enough. There is no greater pain for a parent than to watch your child suffer & to have no ability to help them. How I hope that someday mental illness is not treated as a "closet problem." I pray those who suffer like my Teale someday have the same support and love that a person with another disease gets. The shame associated with mental illness is unproductive & useless to the many people who suffer in silence. It is not Teale's fault she has this challenge. I am not ashamed to discuss it openly b/c I am proud of how much she has taught & improved over the years. Our experience has been able to help countless others who reach out to us for support & advice. Sharing the journey encourages others to seek help, knowing not everyday has to be like "Thanksgiving." There is joy, but some days it is just buried very deep... Keep the faith & support the mentally ill. Their pain is not "just in their heads."
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
Advent in 2015
This is a Facebook memory I have decided to save and share here.
Mark & I "high fived" at the end of the church service, not because it was perfect, but because we had survived.
All five of us were in church to light the first candle of advent ( the candle of Hope, loving the irony yet?) & seconds before we were to go up as a family, Teale started melting down. Mark stayed with her at our seats while Beau, Gwenn & I went to the alter. Teale continued to be angry, but everyone just continued. With the singing of the anthem, she seemed to start to be more at peace. Music is healing & we were again reminded as a family that we are welcome, in good & in bad. So maybe it going perfectly would have been nice, but would the lesson had been the same? The following statement we read shortly after her outburst, puts much in perspective.
"Living each moment with gratitude and receiving each person as a precious gift, may we walk in the way of Christ. Amen."
My husband’s perspective;
I love how unwittingly Teale has been so powerful in delivering Christ's message of acceptance and love over the years. Especially at Mt. Mountain Rise United Church of Christ. We have had a couple of "mottos" in our church over the years; "God is still speaking" and "Wherever you are on life's journey, you are welcome here." A hundred thoughts have gone through my head since this morning's service. I'm so glad that God works through her, but must admit that sometimes it takes me off guard and wears on me. And I wonder how Beau and Gwennie deal with it. I mean Teale was screaming in the sanctuary, but I couldn't get her out of there. I thought at the end of the service I was going to have to help Beau get up out of his chair. But, in the end, we all left smiling!
Mark & I "high fived" at the end of the church service, not because it was perfect, but because we had survived.
All five of us were in church to light the first candle of advent ( the candle of Hope, loving the irony yet?) & seconds before we were to go up as a family, Teale started melting down. Mark stayed with her at our seats while Beau, Gwenn & I went to the alter. Teale continued to be angry, but everyone just continued. With the singing of the anthem, she seemed to start to be more at peace. Music is healing & we were again reminded as a family that we are welcome, in good & in bad. So maybe it going perfectly would have been nice, but would the lesson had been the same? The following statement we read shortly after her outburst, puts much in perspective.
"Living each moment with gratitude and receiving each person as a precious gift, may we walk in the way of Christ. Amen."
My husband’s perspective;
I love how unwittingly Teale has been so powerful in delivering Christ's message of acceptance and love over the years. Especially at Mt. Mountain Rise United Church of Christ. We have had a couple of "mottos" in our church over the years; "God is still speaking" and "Wherever you are on life's journey, you are welcome here." A hundred thoughts have gone through my head since this morning's service. I'm so glad that God works through her, but must admit that sometimes it takes me off guard and wears on me. And I wonder how Beau and Gwennie deal with it. I mean Teale was screaming in the sanctuary, but I couldn't get her out of there. I thought at the end of the service I was going to have to help Beau get up out of his chair. But, in the end, we all left smiling!
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
She Chose Her Path
There's never a day that goes by that I don't have at least one fleeting thought, wondering what she would have been, without the brain damage occurring at birth. Many may think that such yearning is wrong. Many may think I should let it go. I'm open & honest about our life with Teale, so I'm sharing this very deep feeling about me. I may somewhat have let go of what Teale should have been, but I have also accepted that it doesn't make me a bad person to sometimes grieve what she should have been.
I wonder if she would have been musical, what her talent would have been? Would she have had a beautiful voice or played a mean sax? I wonder if she would have had many friends at PMHS, played sports, wanted to go to a college far away or nearby? I wonder what she would have become as an adult & if she would have been a wife or a mother?
I may never totally accept my daughters fate in this world, but that doesn't make me not accept her.
When I was pregnant with Teale we knew she'd be born with gastroschisis. A friend of ours did some healing massage & Reiki on me several times. Our friend was Native American Indian & invited me to a healing circle with other Native American Indians.
Mark & I went on a Sunday afternoon to a round house in Fishers. What happened there has never left us. There were ceremonies we watched & then I was asked if I was open to having a laying of hands. With the exception of the one friend, I had several "strangers" lay their hands on my pregnant belly. Some touching, some just hovering. After several minutes people shared what they felt the spirit of our baby was telling them.
Many moving thoughts about our baby were shared; She had a strong, incredible spirit & much energy. She chose Mark & I as her parents. She chose her path. Her gastric issues would be a low priority of the many other issues that would surface.
Teale is the heart of our family. She both bonds us & divides us. She centers us & helps us to believe in our abilities to help her. She teaches us the most & tests our patience & our tenacity.
Remembering ~ "Teale chose her path" brings me the most peace. So even though I often wonder "the what if's." I also know we are living a life with a spirit who wanted to teach us & hopefully we are learning the lessons well.
I wonder if she would have been musical, what her talent would have been? Would she have had a beautiful voice or played a mean sax? I wonder if she would have had many friends at PMHS, played sports, wanted to go to a college far away or nearby? I wonder what she would have become as an adult & if she would have been a wife or a mother?
I may never totally accept my daughters fate in this world, but that doesn't make me not accept her.
When I was pregnant with Teale we knew she'd be born with gastroschisis. A friend of ours did some healing massage & Reiki on me several times. Our friend was Native American Indian & invited me to a healing circle with other Native American Indians.
Mark & I went on a Sunday afternoon to a round house in Fishers. What happened there has never left us. There were ceremonies we watched & then I was asked if I was open to having a laying of hands. With the exception of the one friend, I had several "strangers" lay their hands on my pregnant belly. Some touching, some just hovering. After several minutes people shared what they felt the spirit of our baby was telling them.
Many moving thoughts about our baby were shared; She had a strong, incredible spirit & much energy. She chose Mark & I as her parents. She chose her path. Her gastric issues would be a low priority of the many other issues that would surface.
Teale is the heart of our family. She both bonds us & divides us. She centers us & helps us to believe in our abilities to help her. She teaches us the most & tests our patience & our tenacity.
Remembering ~ "Teale chose her path" brings me the most peace. So even though I often wonder "the what if's." I also know we are living a life with a spirit who wanted to teach us & hopefully we are learning the lessons well.
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