At times I have felt lost in this life, I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a sister, an Aunt, but who am I? If I try to define myself I get lost in what I do, not who I am. Do we lose ourselves when we connect with another person to share their life? Do we stop being who we were when we have children and their lives become ours? I’m suddenly realizing I have evolved a thousand times in my lifetime, but what have I become? Is this midlife crisis talking? Am I reaching for my youth, when all things seemed possible and my world was all I wanted it to become? Or have I actually already arrived at where I was meant to be, with who I was meant to be with? I am me, but I am also all I have known and lived, wrapped up into one. May I continue to see the joy in the mundane and the love in the everyday. May I realize I am me and I like me.
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
Friday, October 6, 2017
Heartbreak
Yesterday the father of a special needs adult took her life & his own. For me, this sadly hit home. You can judge & point fingers, but I will not, both Mark & I admitted to each other, with much heartbreak, we got it. We’ve been almost that desperate. Sleep deprivation, constant abuse from someone you love & care for, no breaks from the stress & sadness to recover, we’ve experienced the worst. Let’s talk about the real issues around this tragedy. There is not enough help, the pay to be a caregiver is so low, it is difficult to find good people. Friends & family are scared of your situation & may want to help, but don’t know how to. There are few relief programs that give families a break. There are no crisis places to take a person with special needs, so you can just take a day or two to recover. We sadly understood the desperation of this father. We are Blessed to have each other to help balance the stress & be honest about how WE are doing. Not every couple makes it through raising a special needs child, as well as we have, it can be quite divisive. It is way more stressful than words can say, yet, in our case, Teale is our greatest accomplishment. Teale has come through to the other side & we are basking in her stability, but don’t get me wrong, I understand that desperation & I will not judge.
Yesterday I wrote this on Facebook. It happened in a town very near my hometown. Actually, where Mark & I owned our first home. Today I learned the father may have been involved in child pornography & was being investigated by the FBI.
Does this change my feelings toward the situation? Yes, drastically.
What it doesn't change, is the sad reality of what families like mine live. In comments on my post, I shared how I seriously thought about murder, suicide of Teale & I, in extreme crisis times. I fantised about driving into the way of a Mack truck with her in the car. I can remember being so sleep deprived that it actually "made sense & seemed like a reasonable solution." There are two specific times I can remember telling my husband how close to the edge I was. The other time, I said "I know I won't do it, but I'm as close to suicide as I possibly could be." That day we had Teale committed to the in patient children's psychiatric unit at the hospital. We had been sleep deprived over a month, as Teale was in a severe manic state. Luckily, at that time there was room for her in the unit, but other times since, we've been turned away. I can't and won't speak for Mark, but I will share, I remember times he & I couldn't see the light. There was no hope left in us and only fear that this was Teale & our life. There were times that Teale was so abusive, I was being asked by doctors if Mark was hurting me. I was constantly bruised & in fear of the next rage. PTSD is thrown around a bit too quickly these days, but I will share, Teale's psychiatrist diagnosed us all with PTSD when Gwenn, our youngest, was only 3 years old. There was no relief, we were alone in the Hell of trying to survive Teale's mental health illness. Some understood how bad it was, but very few really knew our pain. There is not enough help for the mentally ill, there is not enough help for a family like mine when in a crisis. There's no relief agencies that can give a family a few days off to regain strength and courage to continue care.
Teale is very stable these days, but I remember those wretched days well, the days that death seemed like a viable option. God Bless the caregivers.
Yesterday I wrote this on Facebook. It happened in a town very near my hometown. Actually, where Mark & I owned our first home. Today I learned the father may have been involved in child pornography & was being investigated by the FBI.
Does this change my feelings toward the situation? Yes, drastically.
What it doesn't change, is the sad reality of what families like mine live. In comments on my post, I shared how I seriously thought about murder, suicide of Teale & I, in extreme crisis times. I fantised about driving into the way of a Mack truck with her in the car. I can remember being so sleep deprived that it actually "made sense & seemed like a reasonable solution." There are two specific times I can remember telling my husband how close to the edge I was. The other time, I said "I know I won't do it, but I'm as close to suicide as I possibly could be." That day we had Teale committed to the in patient children's psychiatric unit at the hospital. We had been sleep deprived over a month, as Teale was in a severe manic state. Luckily, at that time there was room for her in the unit, but other times since, we've been turned away. I can't and won't speak for Mark, but I will share, I remember times he & I couldn't see the light. There was no hope left in us and only fear that this was Teale & our life. There were times that Teale was so abusive, I was being asked by doctors if Mark was hurting me. I was constantly bruised & in fear of the next rage. PTSD is thrown around a bit too quickly these days, but I will share, Teale's psychiatrist diagnosed us all with PTSD when Gwenn, our youngest, was only 3 years old. There was no relief, we were alone in the Hell of trying to survive Teale's mental health illness. Some understood how bad it was, but very few really knew our pain. There is not enough help for the mentally ill, there is not enough help for a family like mine when in a crisis. There's no relief agencies that can give a family a few days off to regain strength and courage to continue care.
Teale is very stable these days, but I remember those wretched days well, the days that death seemed like a viable option. God Bless the caregivers.
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