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Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Blahs

Blahs, they have overcome me today. I thought blogging might help, but I've started several and then given up. I just feel flat, without any real emotion, no excitement, no desire to go do something or get something done. So here I sit, trying to figure it out. Sleep has been off. I feel tired after a restless night of dreams I can't remember, but I know they were upsetting to my soul. My head has a dull pain and my throat is scratchy, allergies? I've woken coughing hard the last couple nights, maybe that's it, but I don't think so. It's more like an ache for something I can't attain or even completely put my finger on. It's a loss I'm experiencing, the realization that my life isn't what I hoped and as I age, I'm running out of time. We were all going to be great when we were in our late teens and early twenties. Some or maybe many of you achieved that? Mark and I started out strong, life was good after we were married in 1989, but it took a turn in 1998 when we had our Teale. Teale changed everything. Even thinking about it, the changes we experienced after Teale's birth, makes my heart beat faster. My anxiety increases and I realize, this is it, this is the cause of my feelings today. Mark and I were changed, in many ways for the better, but the changes that hurt are tough to accept. We just couldn't get ahead after having Teale. We had very little support from family and there were many times we were drowning. Still we struggle, sometime's Teale's mental illness is the sole focus of all our energies. Mark and I thought that doing the right things in life was all that mattered. Our faith kept us going, we knew our God wouldn't let us down. If you work hard and be true to yourself, good will follow. But lately I've all but lost that faith, my God has been distant and I'm having trouble pulling him back into my heart. I feel like life has passed us by and it's just getting tougher. The future looks bleak and never ending, will we ever get ahead? Was our trust in our God helping us through it all just a foolish fantasy? Today I just feel blah.

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