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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

A Needed Break

I should be packing but writing is so much easier and I am such a procrastinator! We were lucky enough to get Teale into the local Rotary overnight camp this week. It is especially nice for us, as it is Mark and my 22 Wedding Anniversary on Friday. Teale is staying at Camp Haccamo for four nights, giving the rest of us a bit of a breather. Please don't get me wrong, I LOVE Teale, but her everyday care is sometimes daunting. Teale is oppositional defiant, among other disabilities and mental illnesses. She argues, much, she controls much, she wears us down, much. Getting her medicines in her, getting her dressed, getting her  bathed, hair and teeth brushed, all can be tough, daily. It is a rare occasion that any of these daily needs go easily and smoothly! Taking a break from the challenges helps us all, it is a renewal. It breaks bad cycles of arguing that we have fallen into, by having someone else care for her. She comes home more independent and more confident in her abilities to do things herself and "survive" without us. Camp also teaches us, her family, to trust and let go. Teale needs us, but we also need to know she will be ok if we are no longer here. My biggest fears are when Mark and I are no longer able to care for Teale. Whether that is because we are too old or dead, her not having Mark and I scares me more than words could ever say. She is such a huge part of me, of us. I trust Mark and I, but the rest of the world, that is tough to do with a kid like Teale. She is so vulnerable, she could so easy be taken advantage of and unspeakable things go through my head when she is not in my care. The problem is I HAVE TO TRUST, we can't do this 24/7. Mark and I need the breaks to regroup, to build energy and to forge through her many needs, once again. So as I procrastinate packing up Gwenn, Beau, Mark and I for a little trip alone as a four family, my mind constantly thinks about my Teale. I wonder if she is happy and safe? I wonder if she feels abandoned by us? We will steal a bit of time away, time without the glitches of life with Teale. We will enjoy and build memories we can reflect on when the tough times hit again. Tough times with Teale come in waves, they are not constant but they are always just around the corner. We are constantly on our guard, wondering when the next shoe will drop.  So today I will enjoy life without the challenges of being Teale's Mom. Today I will enjoy Beau, Gwenn and Mark just a little bit more. Thank you Rotary for this gift, you will probably never know how much it means to us! And when Teale comes back, I will again have the strength to continue caring for her, thanks to your generous giving of time and money.

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