Update on Teale's kidney issues;
Kidney function is not returning to normal. Also there is thinning of one kidney wall. At this point we are unsure if it's all from Lithium damage?
Official diagnosis is Chronic Kidney Disease.
High blood pressure med starts ASAP...
Eco cardio gram to check heart b/c high blood pressure could have caused damage.
Teale is at respite for the weekend. The quiet of the house gave me time to reflect on the latest medical news.
Second morning with Teale at Respitewood, somehow life without her here is both peaceful & painful.
There's never a day that goes by that I don't have at least one fleeting thought, wondering what she would have been, without the brain damage occurring at birth. Many may think that such yearning is wrong. Many may think I should let it go. I'm open & honest about our life with Teale, so I'm sharing this very deep feeling about me. I may somewhat have let go of what Teale should have been, but I have also accepted that it doesn't make me a bad person to sometimes grieve what she should have been.
I wonder if she would have been musical, what her talent would have been? Would she have had a beautiful voice or played a mean sax? I wonder if she would have had many friends at PMHS, played sports, wanted to go to a college far away or nearby? I wonder what she would have become as an adult & if she would have been a wife or a mother?
I may never totally except my daughters fate in this world, but that doesn't make me not except her.
I've told the following story to some, but the latest medical issues have me thinking about this much again.
When I was pregnant with Teale we knew she'd be born with gastroschisis. A friend of ours did some healing massage & Reiki on me several times. Our friend was Native American Indian & invited me to a healing circle with other Native American Indians.
Mark & I went on a Sunday afternoon to a round house in Fishers. What happened there has never left us. There were ceremonies we watched & then I was asked if I was open to having a laying of hands. With the exception of the one friend, I had several "strangers" lay their hands on my pregnant belly. Some touching, some just hovering. After several minutes people shared what they felt the spirit of our baby was telling them.
Some of the statements have never left us; She had a strong, incredible spirit & much energy. She chose Mark & I as her parents. She chose her path. Her gastric issues would be a low priority of the many other issues that would surface.
Teale is the heart of our family. She both bonds us & divides us. She centers us & helps us to believe in our abilities to help her. She teaches us the most & tests our patience & our tenacity.
Remembering ~ "Teale chose her path" brings me the most peace. So even though I often wonder "the what if's." I also know we are living a life with a spirit who wanted to teach us & hopefully we are learning the lessons well.
Prayers are all we need. We don't know the path this will take us on, but to be surrounded by love & light will keep us strong.